movin farther away

it sounds like you are in a lot of pain, but if you think it isn’t going to hurt your daughter/ other children, think again. i mean, i think that way too- i don’t have kids, but about people in my life. i think it won’t really matter, they will just go on and be okay. i think maybe that’s normal, especially when you are in pain and depressed.
but i’ve been on the other side- the one whose loved one commits suicide (that one was with a gun, his dad and his brother found him… ultimately, someone is going to have to find you, and be scarred for life)- and that is a deep, deep pain that now, even 10 years later hasn’t gone away. it’s like a wound that never completely heals. and you are left with so much guilt wondering if you could have done something. and if it was a parent that you lost to suicide, i can only imagine how much worse that would make it.

your post made me think of these lyrics from a song by tori amos. in the song is a conversation from one mother to another mom who is suicidal
“they’ll never get over this
for their life time, all their wishes will be dashed upon those cliffs…
…you’ll leave them with emptiness for their lifetime
and all their wishes will be dashed upon those cliffs…”

that doesn’t make what you are going through any easier, or offer any solutions. i think posting here is a first step in learning to ask for help. perhaps there are even other sites online that could offer information about the things you are struggling with? and asking for help doesn’t make you weak. it takes a lot of courage to be that vulnerable. and we aren’t meant to have to deal with everything on our own.