Savior

Are there those moments where you feel like crying for no reason? Or punching something with so much force you could practicially brutally damage a body part?

At this moment I feel like crying, with the help of so many thoughts and images racing through my mind.

I may be young for my age but I know my fair share of torture, yes I have it great in others eyes, but can they honestly see past my disguise, hiding what I’m truly feeling and not telling a soul?

I’ve been in so much pressure lately.

I’m moving in less than a month and we have to clean, paint, stage and move everything to our POD.

My boyfriends is really depressed (death surrounds him a lot)

My ex wants to get back together knowing that I’m dating someone and so do a couple other guys that have the same knowledge.

And more things along school and my future.

The thing that will always scare me the most is what my future would or rather could be like.

I use to want to be able todrive and have a family, job and house of my own but now? I’m scared to death. I would also have to take care of my autistic brother.

I feel like I have alzheimers, because I can honestly not even remember current conversations I have. I would bring up a topic with my friend(s) then bring it up again 5 mins to a half hour later, and not remember that I had already mentioned it.

I feel like I fail everyone around me, I could try my best and yet to them it just isn’t enough. If I had a choice I would be dead at this very moment, or in a coma in which I would never awake.

If I can’t do one thing properly I get yelled at, then ignored and then lectured or teased/beaten. (Applies to friends and family and no my parents don’t beat me).

I hardly find solace in anything nowadays; only reading, writing (poetry, stories, etc.), or my music. And yet no matter how much I try to indulge myself in them there will never be enough or will never be fully satisfying.

I feel lost and alone; I never open up to anyone about how I feel. I had been this way since I was six so its rather difficult to fall out of habit now.

But yet I let people use me as their personal crutch, I am spineless as the old saying goes. I can’t say no to people, and I hate it.

I wish life had a pause button or rather redo, because I would, and I mean this in the most sincere way possible: I would start all over again.

-Becca

xoxo