Ive currently been deployed for more than 6 months now and everything was going great. Back in the states, in garrison i used to be a shitty soldier. I made idiotic mistakes and got in trouble. Eventually i recieved an article 15 ( UCMJ). After that everything became better. I gained rank, became better at physical training and eventually got married. Shorty after that , my unit was deployed in the middle east. Our one year anniversary is in a few weeks.However, recently a lot of things have been going wrong, and due to my mistakes that keep repeating themselves, the punishments keep adding on, i feel like im being singled out. I love my wife and get almost physically sick at the thought of embarrassing her, or giving her a bad name while all she does is support and love me. But stuff keeps piling up. I wake up and i wish i was dead. The punishments keep adding up, it goes from bad to worse no matter how hard I try. I don’t want to get anyone hurt or killed, and i don’t want to dissapoint anyone but thats all i keep doing. Recently i put the barrel of my rifle with no ammo loaded in my mouth and pulled the trigger. Then i loaded my rifle and did the same thing. I was close to pulling the trigger, i wanted to but i just couldnt do it. Now my sgts are asking me if everything is ok, and i have to tell them yes. I know what happens when someone admits to being like this, or feeling like this. They treat you differently, like you have leprosy. I wish i just didnt wake up in the morning, because all i do now is mess up. I am an embarassment to my wife, my country and the army and i strongly believe they would all be better off without me. I feel horrible for even saying this, but i dont know what to do anymore. I just can’t take it , i truly wish i would just get blown up and die. then at least my wife would get enough money to support herself and not have to deal with a retard like me anymore. I just don’t know what to do, i want to talk to someone but i know what would happen if i did. everyone would respect me even less than now, and i am very scared .
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
3 comments
Prior military here. I thought about taking my own life on numerous occasions throughout my military career (20 years in). I can sympathize. The military can be a hard life.
I’m not going to say “don’t do it”, but I will suggest you think about it carefully before you decide anything. Maybe the military is just not for you. If you can make it to the end of your enlistment, I’d suggest leaving the service. Regardless, good luck to you and thanks for your service.
You atleast have a gun dude! You have no idea huc LUCKY you are!
You are seeing yourself through the eyes of depression and self-loathing. You are not an embarassment or a retard–these are stories the ego concocts when we’ve either not figured out, or have forgotten our true worth (which has absolutely nothing to do with mistakes or accomplishments). I am grateful you reached out on this site, and am grateful for your service to our country.
I don’t expect you to live for someone else, but please get the help you so richly deserve–care way less about what you think others might think of you.
I am both a therapist who treats suicidal clients, and a mom who lost her only child to suicide less than a year ago. Depression is treatable. And no amount of life insurance money can undo the permanent scars from losing a loved one to suicide. If your wife truly loves you, she will want you alive and healthy above all else. I am rooting for you.