What do you do when you can’t tell your doctors the truth anymore

Who do you go to for help when you are afraid to tell your doctors you want to die again?  Knowing your doctors will lock you up in the hospital again for the fourth time.  I can’t go though that again.  I can’t afford to end up there again.  I am still paying for the bills from the last three times I told the doctors the truth about my feeling of ending the suffering.  Through the years I have tried all the drugs.  All the new expensive ones that the doctor promises will help.  I have even tried the many illegal mind altering drugs.  I have tried drowning my sorrow in booze.  I have tried every and all ideas I have heard of from doctors and therapists I have been paying for many years.  I have been hypotized, been shocked with ECT 14 times.  I have tried doing everything from going out in public to joining groups and taking up new hobbies.  I have tried dance classes.  I have even tried skydiving, motorcycling and even S&M.  But nothing has taken the pain I feel every minute of every day away for very long.  In fact most of them just made it worse.  I have suffered this pain everyday and night for 15 years now.  I have tried suicide 3 times already.  But they always bring me back, lock me up and then adds more drugs to my daily routine.   All the ECT treatments have made it hard to remember anything for very long  including my passwords and address.  Now I have to write everything down to be able to remember it.  But I still find the pain there without even thinking about it.  It won’t release me.  I need to end this suffering now.