what if I already feel dead?

It’s not right no kill yourself, I’ve hear it, I know it. It means to give up. We should fight isn’t it? Fight the problems, fight the depression, fight all the hardships and live. What if we don’t have problems? And we aren’t depressed? What if we don’t have what to fight for, how do you live with that?

I’m 19. I just graduated as one of the top students in my school. I’m admitted to one of the best universities in Europe. People say I’m smart, my friends tell me I have everything, the brains, the looks and the charm. And I am in love with one special person. Only we will never be together, because we will never last together. And I accept it. I’ve got everything I could wish for, I could go far in life. Only I don’t need it.

I am fighting, I’m setting goals, to hang from one day to another, but I feel like the things that I have don’t belong to me, like I’m living a life that isn’t mine. And I don’t know what I want my life to be like, because nothing I see around me is something I want to experience. I just feel like I don’t need a life. I am not depressed, I‘m not in pain, I can’t feel nor happiness nor sadness. I only feel empty and disoriented, and I just can’t feel anything. I don’t have what to fight for. I wish I’d have problems, I would fight them, I’m not a giving up person. But I’m not alive like that, I feel dead, already dead.

I go running each evening. I run with my earphones on, in the middle of the road, today a car almost hit me.  I’m not going to kill myself. I can’t betray everybody who invested time, money and feelings in me. I just know that if I’d have an accident, I would do nothing to save me, not the smallest thing. I wish I’d want to live, but I don’t, and it’s not something you can fight.