Every moment of every day it’s with me. I have tried to hide it with drugs, alcohol, eating disorder, self scarring…You name it.
I have written notes, I have come very close….But, I am too afraid to fail. How sick is that? Too afraid…Afraid I will end up in a coma or paralyzed or deformed or worse….
I am middle aged and have always been depressed…Even as a child…No matter how much I try, how many psych meds I am on, how much therapy, support…Nothing works…
I didn’t choose to live this “life” and nor do I want to be here in the now writing this. Not even sure why I am bothering with writing…Maybe it makes me feel better to know I am not so alone in my thoughts.
I always research “What is the easiest..least painful way….” But the answers I find are not good enough…None of it is guaranteed to work…So, for now…I make scars…Sometimes cry…My entire life has been an act…People think I am so outgoing and would never think I would be writing this….
I never keep a job for more than a few years and as far as an intimate emotional relationship with a man…A REAL relationship….Never happens…I am pretty, smart and funny…Most would think I am a good catch…But, I know the truth.
Guess that’s all for now and I hope someone out there can relate.
I want to die..My soul to fly high in the sky…No more lies..Cut all ties….Rise…Rise…Rise….Then only to fall like a petal from a flower…into a slow moving stream…and to float away….far far away……Till I don’t see the light of day….
7 comments
I can relate. I’m so scared of failing because things will be so much worse. I think I’ve researched enough that I will succeed. I guess the old saying, “if there’s a will, there’s a way,” comes into play. Succeeding at suicide is the only thing I have hope or faith or whatever you want to call it, in. The last meds I was on are finally all out of my body. I finally have a clear head. I have to believe I can succeed at my death… Or else what?? Good luck with whatever it is you end up doing.
I research via GOOGLE and have had no luck…I must be looking in the wrong places…I am happy for you if this is what you need…I TOTALLY understand. When I tell friends that I understand and respect people who do it…They think I’m nuts and tell me it is selfish…But I know how that person feels…If they feel bad enough and have tried to get better….Then let it be…..
I hope you find your way
You’re not alone babyjake.I also have difficulty keeping a job,and bonding with people let alone being intimate.Three years in one job would be good by my standards,so I wouldn’t be too hard on yourself
Thanks noom…..
It’s just a cycle that keeps going and going and going…never ends….Never happy…and thanks for your support.
Im afraid just like you are, but currently in the process of writing the suicide letter. Been through child abuse and total lose of my original identity as a result of the “adoption”
But yes. Im afraid just like you are! Lets pray together!
Hi babyjake. I think what some of us are doing is surface living. Outwardly, we live life like we think we “should” with jobs, family, whatever it is that people fill their time with. Inwardly, its a hell we live every day. Its a matter of reasons not to kill oneself that makes the difference. I have 2 concrete reasons, and their names are Ethan and Mark. 2 amazing little boys are my reason, the only reason that I know I can’t end it myself. I have ever seriously thought out ways for it to look like an accident so they wouldn’t have “my mother killed herself” in their psyches for the rest of their lives. If it comes down to it, I will have to make it look like an accident, somehow. But they are my motivation to get better. I am a good mother, somehow. I think I am, and I know my absence in their life would be awful. They are young, and they need me. But for you, what motivates you? What force keeps you waking up each day? If its hope, then you have a chance. Hope for anything, hope for getting better, hope for finding a good counselor, anything. Have you investigated God? That’s the only place I’ve found unconditional love, and though its not His nature to take away all the bad stuff (He wants us to work through things and end up stronger) knowing you have someone who wants you to succeed and loves you through it, helps a lot. Best wishes <3
Hi Babyjake,
I lack the courage as well, I have the means, but not the decisiveness to go through with it (yet?). Still, I’m glad to be able to come here and say that if you asked me on any particular day, I would say I would prefer never to have been born.