I don’t even know where to begin. I have been told by both of my parents that I am a worthless piece of shit. I know that everyone says that the other sibling gets treated better than they do, but my parents take it to the extreme. I don’t feel loved by them. Honestly the way they treat me, I question why they had me in the first place.
Love life…ya, well not so hot. I lost my first love, and never really ever got over it. I miss him with every inch of my body. Just found out he is engaged. Wow. Then when I try and make progress from 5 years back over that, I meet someone wonderful and fell in love, which lasted a whopping whole year :/ but still shattered my heart into a million pieces.
My friends are mostly assholes. The only thing that they care about is themselves. I don’t really have a group that I can hang out with, or call up whenever. I feel so left out.
I don’t have a job. Can’t find a job. Did some schooling, but since my parents aren’t divorced, or they aren’t living off the state, I had to pay for most of it out of pocket and couldn’t afford it anymore with no job.
That is just some of what I am going through, which brings me to this: Everything that I touch goes wrong. It feels like no one gives a shit about me, and hasn’t given a shit about me. I have been back and forth about ending my life since I was in 5th grade. But here is where I fail yet again…I am not brave enough to actually do it. I look at the gun case quite often and think of how easy it would be. I look at the medicine cabinet and just want to down everything in there. I think about driving my car across the freeway in the wrong direction, or driving it off the bridge. I have stood over the edge of the bridge looking down, about to jump. I think of razors, rope, bags, anything that could end my life.
Earlier this year, I went to a friend’s funeral. He had committed suicide. The whole time I was there, all I could think about was how brave he was to do it, and how much I wished it were me in there instead of him. My boyfriend (now ex) and I went to his cousin’s funeral. She had committed suicide as well. She was being made fun of so bad, that she ended her life. I related deeply to her, and yet again, wished that it were me in that casket—if I were even to get a casket.
Every single day, I think about how much I want to be happy, and wished that these deep feelings that I have would just go away so I can be released of this pain and feel free to be happy. I try so hard to have that feeling, but everytime I might make a 1/2 step closer towards that, something happens where I get knocked so far on my ass, I take on average 3-4 tumbles backwards and feel even more like crap than I did before.
I hate my life. I hate that I amount to nothing in everyone’s eyes. Treated like dirt. I just want to have the guts to just end it. I don’t know if there is heaven and hell, or reincarnation, or if you just sleep and never wake up. I’m just too chicken to find out, but everyday that goes by, I get a little step closer to that gun.
2 comments
i wish i could understand because i am an orphan….
I wish I could be. I feel like it most days. They look at me with such hate, and in return, I hate not only them but so many more ppl because of them