Bluntly put

It’s not really about the pain from the external factors because there are always ways and means to cope with those – it’s got a lot more to do with the fact that I simply cannot see the unique purpose to my entity being alive whatsoever. It’s pretty evident that the world would keep spinning without me and not to sound self-assuming or pompous but I find this realisation ghastly i.e “Am I really that insignificant?” Then I think of how I am original and different in some way, and so that can build humanity but that’s not true at all because every thought I’ve had or idea I’ve wanted to build upon has already been thought and done. I feel as if I have nothing to give to the world. I feel completely useless, and harmful at best. I seem to mar every situation I enter – be it even in just the way I handle objects that always end up scratched and broken. I’m just such a mess and I can’t seem to ever fix myself, you know? Behind my mask of independence, I rely heavily on others’ help – regardless of whether that ‘help’ is through the books I choose to read or actually asking people for their assistance. I am detestable, I know that – I see it all the time through people’s reactions to me, which I analyse ad nauseam. I write stories wherein somehow I’m rescued from this great sea of guilt and utter agony, wherein I am trained and prepared for the world. My reality is entirely opposite of course, because I allow no-one in to really help me where I need it because I am much to afraid that they will judge me and treat me with scorn. I’ve been suicidal since my second year in highschool and I think finally, in my last year, I will achieve it. I hope I do, not for the sake of sympathy as you may be thinking, but simply to protect my community from any more damage that I could possibly inflict were I to stay alive. I know it’s better for me to be off in a heaven or a hell and that my time here has been saturated within an inch of my life (;)). All I can hope for now is that I find the courage to take the final step and commit to this, as opposed to all the other things in my life.