fucked up

so the last time i wrote on her was in March and it’s now August.. i would like to say thing have changed and gotten better but na that hasn’t happen to me,.. i went in to a mental hospital awhile ago was in there for a month got out of there and  that’s when i fucked up just started smoking weed everyday. and it been like fuck 4 months or something. i hate myself. i can’t stop. i dont know how.  it’s fucked with my head. i don’t wanna do anything. and i mean i go out and try but seems like bad things just happen to me. i havent spoken about this. but i went out with  friend that i meet in the hospital, i did want to go out. i didnt even know these people. they where drinking and it was like 1:00 on  weekday. and there was music. and i just got myself into this situation. and i was getting touch and by 3 guys i tried to get out of it. i finally did. then this one guy grabs me into this room. and i say i don’t wont to but i couldn’t stop it from happening.  now i cant even think of haven’t sex again i just feel sick and gross.  so now i just smoke all the time. just to block all the bad memory’s. just makes me feel numb. but now i hardly ever sleep. i don’t do anything. i have just failed. and my family do it. so it’s so hard to stop. when i get it from them and it’s always around and giving it to me. but i know i cant blame anyone but myself. i just don’t care no more. i give up and just want it all it just end!!!!!!