Headaches are back

i choked and the headaches and sensitivity at night to sound are back but at least I’m helping someone learn how to suicide properly. I’m a 16 yearold boy with a brain filled with information “Not for the weak or faint-hearted” like the ranger handbook I got that is close to worthless but still okay. I know more than him about the cartoids even though I don’t know if it’s an artery or what, probably, but I do know from common sense that if you block it you knock out and I do that on a nearly daily basis. I went a good 3 weeks without choking and then began again. Now it’s an earsplitting headache that’s starting at my right temple to the back of my head. Also I feel tired because it’s 5am… Well I am stuck between hoping I can cry again and show emotion other than anger frustration and laughter but whatever I still want to be as “depressed” as I used to be because its how I wanna be an know how to be. Divorce and death don’t affect my mind at least. Hope something traumatizing happens soon, but also wish I had another brain. I may have the brain of a rapist because my teenage head loves the idea of a young, innocent virgin child to do whatever fancies me at the moment, so I may choke until I don’t think about it. Even thinking about Nycolle’s beautiful smile in my dream won’t protect me from those damn thoughts. I kissed a 8 year old when I was 15 and saw an 10 year old naked at a bday party for a neighbor because she wanted to see me naked. Troubled child, but I’m an even more troubled teen for accepting. Even my neighbor, the bday girl was in the room, I told her she should do it too and pull down her pants to show me. I remember what I saw and I never saw a vagina in my life before that day so when she pulled down her pants and I saw nothing because I have bad eyesight and because it’s between her legs not in front. I was that clueless she even tried showing me. I was hard when I saw her pull it down I’m hard now. But I have tht same feeling as I did before, is it shame, guilt, fear, anxiety, lust, idk but it doesn’t feel great especially sinc i feel the want to do it again and touch her…. Horrible thoughts, but it’s the actions that count right. And she was only a few years younger if I was like 25 or something in the 18s with her it’d be horrible I think. I have thoughts stuck in my head. I used to watch child porn on limewire/frostwire, because it was a fetish I guess… Horrible. (I am thinking of not posting this and probably a bad idea to tell me shit because I cab only tell myself I’m a gutty person can’t take much else than that…) well then I’m 16 currently and hope to die, sometimes I think about after high school I will… But most likely join the army, other than that it would be college, which grades as poor as mine from slacking of freshman and sophomore year I don’t expect many colleges to like that. I have no speech or people skills and am worried about jobs, because of interviews. I guess it’s anxiety around people… Hmm well life is meaningless and I hate this evil planet and no one needs the mind of a rapist on this planet, I saw a Canadian show Flashpoint on netflix a bout a man who abducts children… Dammit I’m shaking a lot right now, well I feel better after choking my thoughts are suppresed slightly… Well rats it for now or something… I’m getting fat again, should stop eating now and imagine it’s my stepmoms food ha that’ll starve me for a while… I am pretty sure I ain’t an anorexic male, just really hate my stepmom and lost weight quickly at my dads house. I still ate but not enough. Was hungry half the time. My stepmom sucks at cooking and hates when I use her pans to make myself food. Luckily summer came soon cuz I was really tired of sandwiches for lunch at school ugh. Also most of the time I put tags on this for what I feel about stuff right now. I will survive, is not checked off cuz I don’t want to survive, family and friends affect my decision that I must leave them. Protect their children or something idk, of course story of loss and a rant. I’m dizzy and focus too much right now feels weird uh oh… Poetry and art, not at all I’m not creative other than the thought of what I may become so yes check off and general in case I’m not pissed off…