I’m a failure and I want to die

I am like an alien and so fucked up that I can’t relate to anyone.  This sounds corny, but this used to be a good thing and people used to love me for it.  I used to be kind of messed up in a good way.  I was a smart straight A student, studied music endlessly and obsessively and had almost an unlimited inspiration for arts of all kinds. I was funny, likeable, fun, well networked, passionate, moral, on track for scholarships (now I lack money for college and have to work), on track for Ivy League schools…  I could go on.  But what basically happened is I lost all of this and more.

At one point in high school, my grades completely dropped and then I started to struggle with everything and I made so many bad decisions and I lost all my friends and networking.  And when I tried to turn things around and get therapy, a fucking ruthless perfect storm of insane coincidences wiped out everything I had or had going for me.  I got really weird and awkward.  I started to have a lot of health problems with brain fog, anxiety, sickliness, and sexuality.  I haven’t learned or done anything that has any real artistic merit for 3 years.  I’ve become a run of the mill sheltered virgin angsty lacking self-esteem preteen, except that I’m 18. My parents used to love me and were proud of me, but recently, they are both making off cuff remarks that basically say they are tired of me.  For example, my mom put her hands in front of me and said “you could have been a contender”, off the cuff humor THAT MAKES ME WANT TO FUCKING KILL HER.  And, that incident was two years ago. 

Right now I’m feeling groggy again, even though I am on Ritalin.  I’m groggy 80% of the time, for the last 3 years, and I’ve lost a lot of relationships because I can’t socialize when I’m groggy.  I have this pattern that if I indulge in my masochistic ballbusting fetish or web surfing addiction, I lose my sense of social grace and mental clarity.  It’s like alcoholism addiction and the 12 step program.  I was doing pretty good these last couple months, not doing those two things, but I slipped and I feel like I’m back on square one again.  I hardly know what I’m talking about, and doctors are telling me all different things, and meanwhile I’m sapped and all of the opportunities that are there for the youth are passing me by.  I’m going to community college instead of a state college so I can take it easy but I have failed to make it through a placement test 4 times because I get groggy or stressed, even though I am on a lot of medication and therapeutic practices.

I’ve decided to start to get deep into drugs.  I’ve already over dosed on drugs twice and almost died.  I’m planning to start inhaling and abusing additional stimulate type drugs and eventually make my way through the drug scene where I can obtain heroine and OD.

It would help if someone would make sense of this because I’m months away from dying if things don’t start turning around.  These are the surface/main problems, but there are a lot of other things in my life that are going wrong that contributes to my suicidal thought.  Btw, and trust me, I have done everything in my power to try to turn the tide and rehabilitate myself with therapy/medications (im on add, bipolar, and anti anxiety meds, but I might not be bipolar or add) but I’m just starting to get to the end of my rope.  My family is even starting to give up on me.  Please help me.  But I’m probably going to die.  I’m in a place where suicide wouldn’t be that selfish of a thing because I am basically detached from the world.