Is something wrong or did I brainwash myself into believing again…

I can’t seem to cry, I’ve taken notice, i don’t understand I really believe I lost the ability to and Ive los the ability to dwell on my past it might be ADHD or whatever but idk the choking has side effects it might be that. I’m jealous of the fact that I ain’t depressed I’m just actively suicidal and have bipolar depression. I am starting to like my dad again and am feeling very gullible at that. Not much else to say other thanthe fact that I hope my time is near and if you bring religion into this. I will become violent and angry, I will spam angry messages and posts on here, and will seRch for your email and send hateful messages. So please, don’t send me your bullshit. I already asked god for help, all I got in return was my dad visiting me to take me to the doctor, if you call that a sign then kiss my ass must be one too…