it just seems like the best possible answer

I don’t even know where to begin. I’v always had a good home life. Parents are still together.. they have never been abusive to me or eachother. They have always supported me no matter what.
I’m not rich, but i’m not poor. We’ve always been able to afford the necessities and a few luxuries.
I am intelligent and have I have high self esteem.
Up until i graduated high school i was always bullied for being fat.. although i lost weight and I have been skinny since 9th grade. Does that make sense? no, it doesn’t. I stopped caring and I have felt good about my appearance since 10th grade.
I wasn’t popular in highschool, but when i finally found friends that i legitimately enjoyed being with, i was mutually accepted amongst them. Yes they were.. druggies? But, they were also smarter than most of everyone else i went to school with, and much more.. original? genuine? interesting? fun to be around and much more interesting? all of the above.
I also had a completely separate group of friends. my church friends. did I ever believe in god? not really. did any of my church friends? no.. not really. But these 2 groups were what got me by. not the fuckers i had to deal with all day during school.
So there’s this girl, from the church group. We hit it off pretty well. we were friends for years, then we ended up dating. she lost all of her friends, while i still retained mine. Of course, she hated my druggie/chill friends.but she didn’t hate them, she just hated what she thought they were. Of course, they never mixed, and i disappeared and took a vacation with her for a year..most of which, i was madly in love with her. we broke up. I made a few mistakes. we got back together 2 months later. We dated for another year, yet again, most of which i was madly in love with her. And recently, we broke up again, for good this time.

The whole relationship took a massive amount of energy out of both of us. I lied to her because i didn’t want to give up what i wanted. I was all she had, but she was in love with me enough to put up with it. Did i lie constantly about everything? not at all. I lied about hanging out with my friends at night when she had to be home because i knew it would upset her, and i felt like that was a bullshit thing to be upset about.

Aside from my fuck ups and doing what i wanted to do, the relationship was perfect. I never once cheated on her.

I am convinced that she was just obsessed with me ever since she met me. Maybe she really was in love with me, but i refuse to believe it. Everytime I got a feeling like we weren’t connecting “right,” i would get sketched out and nervous. I kept thinking and things kept building and building in my head until I made myself crazy. My feelings towards her fluxuated between being madly in love and needing to get away asap. She had a hard? home life, and was very clingy and required alot of reassurance.  She had problems dealing with the world, where i felt like everything was so simple and there was no way life was as hard as everybody made it out to seem. I have terrible social anxiety. I hate talking to people, let alone be in a group of people. I.. can’t handle it, or i don’t know how? i don’t have the ability.

As you can tell so far, i am very wishy washy with my emotions. Every time i get in a relationship, i go crazy. I spend too much time thinking, and i doubt everything about life. I value stranger’s opinions more than the opinions of those that “love” me.

To be honest, i don’t think any of the aforementioned information was relevant to anything whatsoever.

I am bored with life. I feel like i have everything figured out, and i can accept everything. Despite having a good job, and the freedom i’v always wanted, every day, i want to die. I see no point in living. It doesn’t serve a purpose other than:

a: preservation of life

b: using your time to do whatever you want. Save lives, be happy, build a family, find a cure for cancer. Be depressed, hate everything, kill people, intentionally hurt others for your own entertainment.

I’v had love, but it wasn’t enough. I had an emotional connection, but it faded. Maybe i let it fade? maybe i forced it to fade? Somedays i feel like it was all my fault. At teh same time, i feel like it was meant to be this way, so i should be fine with it.

The only 2 things i want out of life are a strong emotional connect with somebody, and death. To me, both of prizes would be equal.

Before i found this site, i googled “talk me into suicide.” I don’t know why. I’m on the fence, and i know a strong push in the wrong direction would be sufficient. My life doesn’t suck, i just don’t want it. I know the possibilities, but i don’t want anything. I just want an easy fucking death. I don’t want to be missed. I don’t want to be remembered. I just want to take back everything i’v ever done to upset her. She is a good person, and I have ruined her emotionally. I will never be right for her, and she will never be right for me, no matter how bad both of us wanted it.

I feel like the only way to take everything back would be to just drop off of the earth. To let her know that she’ll never have to see me or talk to me again. I won’t be able to upset her ever again.