I had a good childhood. Even though my parents beat me and psychologically tormented me, I was strong enough as a kid to preserve my own sanity in the midst of insane surroundings.
But now, at 25, the manifestations of my parent’s style of upbringing are undeniable. I crave close relationships with people around me, but because of the pain associated with close relationships that I experienced as a child, I let people know about 10% of the real me, then cut them out, or isolate myself. It has been a constant cycle, and to this day I have no real friends I can have a deep conversation with.
I can’t trust people since I was brought up with my parents always suspicious I was doing something wrong, and so this has extended to my feeling distrustful of other people since I have modeled their ‘suspicion’ from that of my parents.
Receiving beating after beating at the hand of my dad, only to be told afterward that it was because he loved me has scarred me so deeply that any talk of love brings up feelings of disgust and revenge, and has prevented me from doing things which could be called ‘nice’ for other people. I have become the most despicable person I know, and rather than look out for the interests of others, I can only cheat or steal from others to get what I want.
I don’t even know what I want out of life anymore. It used to be a good job, then it was a girlfriend, then peace of mind, but I can’t even see the point in any of these anymore. And what’s worse, the more I learn about psychology and philosophy and human nature, the more I feel like a infinitesimally useless piece of a puzzle which doesn’t fit together.
I’m a smart kid, but in a world where smarts are most often beaten out by personality (most of the time acquired by default), I am seriously doubting whether I make any difference at all, and would in fact, rather like to see my family line terminate at me.
So, I give myself just under 2 years to live. If I have been able to make some radical change to my life by the time I’m 27 then so be it, I’ll live another few years, but if not – I’m going out. Hopefully by then they’ll have developed a better way of making a peaceful pill which doesn’t require owning a fucking science laboratory.
3 comments
Im 23 years old, be 24 in October, I and I just giving myself to Feb. of next year to for a radical change in my life
lol I’m 23 ill be 24 in October and i plan on giving myself until the day before my bday. I think 2 years is enough time to change everything. I wish you well.
I’m 19. I’ll turn 21 in 2013. I’m giving myself 2 years, to turn my life around, to get a decent paying job that’s in my interests that pays more than $12 /hr.
I’m so sick of living in isolation. I’ll never have real friends without the fear that they’ll backstab me. I was ostracized intensely in high school. Was abused as a child. Homeless. thrown out of the house. you name it.
Why 21? Because that’s the legal age I can buy a gun, to end my life painlessly and quickly. I figure 2 years is plenty enough.
I wish you all the best, I hope you all can turn things around. Make the best out of every day. It’s what I try to do, stay productive as much as possible. I only have 2 years to live.
“I’m living like theres no tomorrow. Because there isn’t one.” – mad men.