life…

ive realized recently that i most likely have an anxiety disorder and depression. when i think about anything changing in my life i get this panic in my chest. it makes me feel physicly ill. when i wake up for school this dread washes over me. i dont know why i love school i get to see my friends and i get to do things that i enjoy. but every morning i get this terrible feeling in my stomach and i usually feel like im going to puke. its not like i get bulllied at school i have a pretty good school life. but the stress of doing good and having to figure out right here right now what i want to do in the future it scares the crap out of me. when ever i think about what is going too happen in the futer i get so stressed. i get anxiety over the dumbest things like weather. but not even bad weather even if it is just windy i get this gut feeling and i cant stand it. it terrifys me. also when ever i have to make big dessions i get so paniced or even just answering the phone sometimes gets me in a panic. and when i get super paniced i end up getting depressed. i always feel down now adays. nothing seems to make me feel happy anymore. i feel like i have to try and be happy even when im having a good day im never truly happy and i hate it. i used to cut havent done it in a while i dont know why i stopped i just dident want to do it anymore but now that school is stating up again i feel like im constanty on panic mode. i went to the beach with a few friends today and i just sat there dident want to do anything kinda on the outside of there fun i always feel like im on the outside. like im not outgoin genough or that im not pretty enough to hang out with my friends bc there both really thin and they are so out going and crazy and they dont care what people think of them. i used to be like that i would say what i wanted when i wanted dident care about being vocal to random people but slowly ive turned my self in word i would rather sit in my room and be by my self than be at the beach or out with people becasue i know that im always going to be seen as the other gorl the uly one or the fat one. i’ll admit im not terribly ugly and im not insanly fat but there is always going to be someone who is prettier or skinnier or more out going or who isent so fucked in the head. and yes i know things will get better but why do they have to be so hard right now. i have no one that i can talk about this stuff with. my mom and i dont really talk she doesent seem to listen when i do talk. and i feel that what i have to say isent mportant or as good as what other people have to say. i dont get why im so sad all the time there is nothing terribly wrong with my life. i have loving parents and i have money im privliged i have good friends that ive know forever but i feel like im just not good enough to live. i dont know if i ever could go through with killing my self ive though about it but im 17 years young i have my whole life ahead of me i dont know where im going to go. i could meet someone and everything gets better. but things could get worse and they probably will but they will get better i know it i just wish they would get better now so the pain can go away. i just want to fade awya not die just disapear so people wont notice when i stay in my room for 3 days straight. i would love to just stay in my bed all day and just dream about how things could get better and how things will never be like that i know but i just wish i just wish they would go how i planned them to.