Not worth it.

Does anyone else feel like all this shit just isn’t worth it? We are born and then we die and all that shit in between is pointless. People have been pushing me to do better and I still don’t see the point of trying. After my mother died in May I was so sure of myself and so confident and I wanted to do something with my life but now I just don’t know anymore. I am slipping back into the same old hole I was in previously. Drowning myself in my self hatred and depression. They tell me I should want to live on my own and feel accomplished but I honestly don’t need any of that. I just want to live with family so I don’t have to be alone and I don’t need to feel accomplished to live day to day.

I feel like a fucking loser when people tell me I am smarter than this and I could do better if I tried harder. I probably could but you need motivation to do things. And telling me how things could be does not change how things are right now. Talking of the future does not change the present. Humans are stupid creatures. We usually wait till the last moment when the future is smacking us in the face to change ourselves. I don’t think I can ever change though. Sometimes I am up and sometimes I am down. Sometimes I feel like I can do anything and other times I am so down and heavy, can’t even get out of bed. Everyone assumes just because I am in bed I’m sleeping and that drives me crazy. I’m not sleeping, I am hurting. People say there’s nothing wrong with me and that they believe in me and that they know me but do they truly know me? Do they know I feel like killing myself everyday? Do they know I hate myself so much I can’t even look in the mirror most of the time. Do they know that I would rather be dead in the ground then be praised or encouraged by them. Life is pointless. I can pretend that I have goals and that my goals matter but they don’t. I hve been trying very hard to pretend and lie to myself and be more outgoing but in the end I am just lying to myself. Making the problem even worse. I am living with my sister right now but I have no one. I’m not her responsibility, I am no ones responsibility but my own and I can’t even take care of myself. I have given up so long ago and I am so sick of dragging myself along this path to nothing. Be so much easier if I was dead. Then I wouldn’t be a problem for anyone to solve.

Sick of the pointless nonsense and lies. Tell me what and I’ll tell you why. Nothing is as it seems and everything can’t be fixed. Harder and better are just words in the end.