What exactly am I living for?

  September 14th, 2011 by teshyn

Missed school again today. The teacher finally decided to call home after I missed two days’ worth of school (exams) and now everyone knows that I’m playing truant. Well, whatever. I don’t even care anymore. Last night, my dad started going on and on about how I’m irresponsible and whatnot. Who gives a damn about responsibility when I’ve lost the ability to feel any sort of emotion whatsoever?

Major depression, depersonalisation disorder and borderline bipolar, and no one sees it. The funny thing is that my parents don’t even care. Typical Asian parents who decide that covering their ears and eyes and pretending that there’s nothing wrong with their daughter will make the problems go away. They don’t even ACKNOWLEDGE that I have a problem that at least needs some kind of treatment, they just want to pretend. I suppose it’s Asian shame. Wasn’t there that saying that internal family problems shouldn’t be aired in public? But what kind of parent, good Lord, would tell their child that it’s her problem after witnessing her self-mutilation? They make it sound like I have a fucking CHOICE over being depressed. Even if I do, I need some help, and they don’t even want to give me that.

They should have fucking realized that something was wrong the moment they found out about the truancy. I’ve always been an average student, the quiet kind. At first it was the thrill of outward rebellion, but then I realize I just don’t care. I can’t feel happiness, or sadness, or stress, or fear anymore. There’s this numbing of emotions. So I don’t care about missing school and facing the consequences, and I don’t care for the damn education system’s aim of creating carbon copies of everyone, just mere cogs to fit into the stupid system called society.

That’s what they all are — puppets — carefully crafted to play the parts allocated to them. I wonder which is worse, me being emotionless or them being puppets? They’re restricted and they don’t see it. Cage after cage, it’s all the same. First the cage of education, then the cage of work. Always, always living for someone else — your parents, your friends, your spouse, your kids. I keep questioning the reason for my existence, but all I see are a shitload of responsibilities stretching far into the future. We’re always living for the future, not in the present. Looks like only in death are we truly free.

Maybe the allure of suicide is that you can choose, exactly (though not with 100% probability), when your death occurs. If you don’t have some damn degree of control over your life, then at least you have some damn degree of control over how you end it.

They say that there are two deaths. The real one, and the one that everyone sees. But maybe you can’t die if you’ve never really lived before.

PS. Apologies if I sound incoherent. Not exactly in a very clear state of mind. Just needed to rant…

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