Missed school again today. The teacher finally decided to call home after I missed two days’ worth of school (exams) and now everyone knows that I’m playing truant. Well, whatever. I don’t even care anymore. Last night, my dad started going on and on about how I’m irresponsible and whatnot. Who gives a damn about responsibility when I’ve lost the ability to feel any sort of emotion whatsoever?
Major depression, depersonalisation disorder and borderline bipolar, and no one sees it. The funny thing is that my parents don’t even care. Typical Asian parents who decide that covering their ears and eyes and pretending that there’s nothing wrong with their daughter will make the problems go away. They don’t even ACKNOWLEDGE that I have a problem that at least needs some kind of treatment, they just want to pretend. I suppose it’s Asian shame. Wasn’t there that saying that internal family problems shouldn’t be aired in public? But what kind of parent, good Lord, would tell their child that it’s her problem after witnessing her self-mutilation? They make it sound like I have a fucking CHOICE over being depressed. Even if I do, I need some help, and they don’t even want to give me that.
They should have fucking realized that something was wrong the moment they found out about the truancy. I’ve always been an average student, the quiet kind. At first it was the thrill of outward rebellion, but then I realize I just don’t care. I can’t feel happiness, or sadness, or stress, or fear anymore. There’s this numbing of emotions. So I don’t care about missing school and facing the consequences, and I don’t care for the damn education system’s aim of creating carbon copies of everyone, just mere cogs to fit into the stupid system called society.
That’s what they all are — puppets — carefully crafted to play the parts allocated to them. I wonder which is worse, me being emotionless or them being puppets? They’re restricted and they don’t see it. Cage after cage, it’s all the same. First the cage of education, then the cage of work. Always, always living for someone else — your parents, your friends, your spouse, your kids. I keep questioning the reason for my existence, but all I see are a shitload of responsibilities stretching far into the future. We’re always living for the future, not in the present. Looks like only in death are we truly free.
Maybe the allure of suicide is that you can choose, exactly (though not with 100% probability), when your death occurs. If you don’t have some damn degree of control over your life, then at least you have some damn degree of control over how you end it.
They say that there are two deaths. The real one, and the one that everyone sees. But maybe you can’t die if you’ve never really lived before.
PS. Apologies if I sound incoherent. Not exactly in a very clear state of mind. Just needed to rant…
3 comments
Your good. You can take control of your own life, you don’t have to be the pawn you can be the king. Or Queen, your choice i guess. No one should tell you what to do. But for now, and i mean this with every intention of trying to help, your young and Your parents just want the best for you. They want you to be successful in life, to have no worries and the best way to do that is by doing well in school. You have no idea how much I would have killed for my parents to be there for me. But Your right, your parents should just be supportive, not controlling. But please don’t blame them for being miserable, their just trying to help whether you can see that or not.
you speak the truth teshyn!
I get it: it sux. Your parents don’t want to lose ‘face’. You can’t change generations upon generations of inbred culture. It’s fucked up and I’m sorry. But you have to put them out of your mind, because you will never understand, just like they will never understand you.
It’s all about perception: the things that look like a cage to you, are just creature comforts to other people. Example: I see relationships as a cage, I feel trapped and I hate it. But many people would love one. It’s all about perspective.