I spent my lunch hour sitting in the food court trying to write some stupid rhymes. By the end of my time, I’d scrawled some BS about terrorism and self loathing and it’s along the lines of what I usually write about but wtf man? What the hell am I doing with myself? Why am I wasting my time writing stupid rhymes that nobody but me cares about? I’m not the velvet underground; no one is going to love my shit after the fact. I’m so stupid; I focus on the wrong things, keep doing the wrong things. I want to scream and rage and destroy because I can’t stand being.
I’m so fucking lonely man. I was high spirited the last couple days because I ate all of my meals and got a haircut and it was well received but ack!@ it changes nothing. I’m still nothing and no one inside. I have nothing to say to anybody. I meet with clients and can’t even engage them in small talk because there’s nothing there. I’m just a robot on the job. And when I’m not on the job, I’m completely shut down. I can’t take this. frig man, I feel like crying.
work, go home and drug up, work, go home and drug up.. I’m going to be out of debt by the end of the month but I don’t give a flying.. Making money to do what? I’m afraid of the world; I don’t know how I manage to leave my apartment everyday. I guess I’m just so used to going out and slaving that it’s become second nature, despite my deadness. die why don’t I die?
I wanna have sex again and love for the first time and travel and try weird foods and see the sun from every corner of the earth. Fuck man, I wanna live but I’m so damn afraid. kill me please. take my life, let a demon possess this corpse that’s going to waste. The world is at my feet but I can’t take a step. 25 and I don’t even have a drivers license. too afraid make any adult moves in my life. I can’t go anywhere; i’m not doing anything.
3 comments
I hear you, so much pain. This is a violent and scary world where one must seek for a space of peace and solitude. Do you live in a big city? I would suggest linking with nature, especially trees. Hugging a tree is not stupid. They are magnificent beings.
Please do get out of debt. To not do so would be to sabotage yourself. Do not do that. You have enough pain; you don’t need more. Getting out of debt gives you more freedom to find a life and a space that works for you.
I feel the pain in your words and I care. I’m way too old to be a love interest but I can care. I’ve been there in my own way and life can get better.
Save some money, then take a risk. Learn to drive, get a car, travel. You are young. You can do it!
Tiny steps, one at a time. Don’t focus too much on the problems. (drivers licence not relly a big deal, I’m 30 and never got one!) You want sex and love – both awesome things that drugs really get in the way of. So try to kick the habit first, maybe replace it with some social activities – martial arts? dancing? Charity work?
After reading this post I went back and read all of your others, mostly because I guess you sound just like me, only I’ve always been too afraid or too low to put any of my feelings into words anywhere. I dont talk to anyone anymore. I feel the way you described every single day, like I try to fit in to a world I dont belong in. So unhappy with myself and everything around me. Truth is I just dont care anymore. But I just wanted to say, I understand. Wether or not you believe that I hope you comment back, it would at least for me make things better to talk to someone who understands how I feel too.