Drifting from one day to the next – unable to plan and heading for disaster

September 6th, 2011by Celyn

Hi, I live in the UK, and my birthday was yesterday; for most people this is a sign of freedom and independance, but definitely not for me. Currently (and I’m not proud of this, believe me), I leech off my parents to survive (and they know this, and are getting fed up FAST) and have just gone back to college to start my second year of A-Levels. But my brain literally can’t take in information any more, it can barely process it. I’ve gone from a healthy, fit and active girl to this…..thing in the mirror that looks like a blob. I don’t even look female due to my face shape and polysistic ovaries. Everywhere I go I get stares and people whispering. I have no friends. My boyfriend is going to leave me and a part of me actually wants him to so that he won’t be dragged down by me anymore, but another part of me needs him desperately, even though I can offer him nothing in return. I’m a human leech. Everywhere I go I wonder aimlessly. I can never do anything constructive – any attempts to do so reveal that I’m years too late and that my reluctance to leave the house in my early years has come back to haunt me big time.

Recently, I attempted the helium hood method and failed as there was a leak inside the bag. Whilst I realise it’s not okay to post of any methods here…..I need to tell someone what’s going on. Anyone.

The empty helium canister is still in my room, though I can get rid of it tomorrow before it’s found. I have a second (dubiously filled) canister with a new gas flow fitting and tubing attached hidden in the boot of my car. I have a sweatband to hand sew to a new oven bag (which will arrive soon hopefully), and a fairly vacant wednesday morning/early aftrernoon in my timetable where my house will also be empty. I may have to end up ordering yet another helium canister if this goes to pot again, and as you can probably guess by now, money is running out. The people in college, in my street and in my house are getting sick of me and to be honest I’m getting sick of myself.

Living is definitely not an option anymore though – I wish more than anything that I’d taken care of myself in the early years, that I’d taken care of the people around me more. But the fact of the matter is that I haven’t.

Adapting to new environments (even just down the street is a nightmare), and heaven forbid a working environment (I’m the employee from hell, as my last job seemed to prove) is something that I refused to do, and now I can’t do it at all. When my mother returns from work, she’ll be tired and stressed. She doesn’t want me to do this, but she doesn’t want me around either (understandably). I’m only aimlessly going to college just to secure a reason to carry on living there before she chucks me out for being a waste of space. My planning skills – financially, socially, in terms of a career and family etc. are non-existant. I can’t ever see myself living independantly because I lack the experience I should have been getting throughout these past few years, but messed up on instead.

I think wednesday next week, or the week after will be the ‘day’. If I can secure the helium (should it run out) and actually do the procedure properly.

Reading over this…….it sounds incredibley selfish and self-centred. But it is what it is. Sorry. Just have to get this all off my chest.

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