Hi, I live in the UK, and my birthday was yesterday; for most people this is a sign of freedom and independance, but definitely not for me. Currently (and I’m not proud of this, believe me), I leech off my parents to survive (and they know this, and are getting fed up FAST) and have just gone back to college to start my second year of A-Levels. But my brain literally can’t take in information any more, it can barely process it. I’ve gone from a healthy, fit and active girl to this…..thing in the mirror that looks like a blob. I don’t even look female due to my face shape and polysistic ovaries. Everywhere I go I get stares and people whispering. I have no friends. My boyfriend is going to leave me and a part of me actually wants him to so that he won’t be dragged down by me anymore, but another part of me needs him desperately, even though I can offer him nothing in return. I’m a human leech. Everywhere I go I wonder aimlessly. I can never do anything constructive – any attempts to do so reveal that I’m years too late and that my reluctance to leave the house in my early years has come back to haunt me big time.
Recently, I attempted the helium hood method and failed as there was a leak inside the bag. Whilst I realise it’s not okay to post of any methods here…..I need to tell someone what’s going on. Anyone.
The empty helium canister is still in my room, though I can get rid of it tomorrow before it’s found. I have a second (dubiously filled) canister with a new gas flow fitting and tubing attached hidden in the boot of my car. I have a sweatband to hand sew to a new oven bag (which will arrive soon hopefully), and a fairly vacant wednesday morning/early aftrernoon in my timetable where my house will also be empty. I may have to end up ordering yet another helium canister if this goes to pot again, and as you can probably guess by now, money is running out. The people in college, in my street and in my house are getting sick of me and to be honest I’m getting sick of myself.
Living is definitely not an option anymore though – I wish more than anything that I’d taken care of myself in the early years, that I’d taken care of the people around me more. But the fact of the matter is that I haven’t.
Adapting to new environments (even just down the street is a nightmare), and heaven forbid a working environment (I’m the employee from hell, as my last job seemed to prove) is something that I refused to do, and now I can’t do it at all. When my mother returns from work, she’ll be tired and stressed. She doesn’t want me to do this, but she doesn’t want me around either (understandably). I’m only aimlessly going to college just to secure a reason to carry on living there before she chucks me out for being a waste of space. My planning skills – financially, socially, in terms of a career and family etc. are non-existant. I can’t ever see myself living independantly because I lack the experience I should have been getting throughout these past few years, but messed up on instead.
I think wednesday next week, or the week after will be the ‘day’. If I can secure the helium (should it run out) and actually do the procedure properly.
Reading over this…….it sounds incredibley selfish and self-centred. But it is what it is. Sorry. Just have to get this all off my chest.
17 comments
Don’t call yourself selfish. it’s not selfish to think of your own well being. I want you to be happy and i think you do need your boy. Please stick around. I don’t want you to kill yourself. We all mess up our lives. I joined the Marine Corps to fix mine and it’s worked out for me. I lived wit my parents till i was about 18 and a half, i didn’t have a job and i kept myself away from having any responsibilities until i went to boot camp. now I’m completely self sufficient, have a badass job, people actually like me now, and i now have friends who can help me with anything i have problems with and i only had to go through three months of hell. It was so worth it.
You’ll find something too, i promise you
i think you deserve to live, i think you should shut out all the negative things first, and have 1 goal – – exercise. afford yourself the trouble to jog/move instead of putting your efforts making a concoction to kill yourself, make some time and effort instead to live yourself, and word of advice, exercise. I am fat too but I am going to do something about it. I will jog tomorrow morning. start today. life will be awesome when you start to want it enough.
Are you seriously beating yourself up because you don’t have a life/career/family plan at the age of 18?! Come on, I’m 30 and still figuring that stuff out – and there’s nothing wrong with that! Don’t put time limits on yourself to achieve all these things, you are young! You regret not doing things in the early years, what yr forgetting is, you are in the early years, and anything you regret, you can fix now!
I think it’s a great loss for someone so young to throw their life away, when they haven’t had a chance to truly experience it yet.
hi, where did you get the “gas flow fitting”? did it come with the canister? I have all the rest, but the canister has a tube that you move around (or up and down) to release the flow. I had planned to tape in down somehow…..
Thanks for the advice guys; maybe joining the RAF would be an option once I get my fitness up. Definitely, excercise is needed. I know life has just begun.
To when: It’s called the ‘helium flow control kit’, if you type that into google it should come up. It fits onto a cylinder, but not a canister (my apologies as I wrote canister down in my original post instead of cylinder).
What size cylinder are you using?
The one I have now has 0.41 cubic metres of helium, though from this video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8bdkZyMQq4Q it says that a smaller cylinder would be fine, so I may go to my local supermarket to buy one of those should the one I have now not work. It’ll be cheaper and won’t require any delivery. The downside being that…..well, there’s less helium. Do you think this’d be enough to get the job done?
Dunno really don’t have any practical experience yet. I know you said there was a leak in your first bag. What happened? Do you think you need the flow valve? I’ve been considering ********. Do you wanna swap e-mails?
When I made the first exit bag, I opted for using a drawstring instead of a headband (to try and follow the instructions of the video tutorial). However, the elastic I ordered was too thick, so when it was pulled into a knot to close the bag, the plastic split open a bit. I sealed the tear with tonnes of micropore tape to reinforce the rest of the folded edge. I’ve ordered some thinner elastic and have had better practice with threading it through the folded plastic now. Prividing things go to plan, I should have an exit bag that’s doesn’t have any leaks this time. I’ve decided not to include a headband now, as the one I have now is too small and doesn’t allow the oxygen in the bag to disperse when pressed down.
Ah ******** 😮 apparently there are disposable cylinders of that available now. Some people do say it’s better than helium in that it doesn’t induce muscle twitching? As for the flow valve, I’m not sure if it’s a necessity as such (apparently 100s of helium suicides were successful without using it), but one thing I did notice on my first attempt was that the helium seemed to flow really strongly at first, then tapered off. Obviously this is because the helium pressure dropped, but yeah. A stedier flow just seems a little bit better in terms of time.
Yeah, we should definitely swap e-mails! Mine is c-elyn@hotmail.co.uk. What’s yours?
Sent you an email.
Celyn I hope yr considering other options… you haven’t lived much at all yet. How do you know what’s in store?
I am considering going to see a counceller, but I’ll get the same response I get from everyone these days: ‘you’re a coward.’ Which is true. I just can’t face anything. It’s driving me nuts and I deserve it. When my parents kick me out, I’ll be on my own in a world I don’t understand at all. People scare the absolute crap out of me.
damn…. you can only go against the flow so long
Exactly. I want to end my own life before someone else does it for me (in a much more painful, slow and perhaps not even fatal way – like having my limbs cut off but still being kept alive). That’s my main concern right now. I need a hug so badly, or just for someone to say everything will be alright and my life really isn’t this bad. But it is.
Celyn
Did you get my e-mail. Please e-mail me back so we can talk.
Celyn, you don’t know what the councillr is going to say, and I doubt very much it would be ‘you’re a coward’. I think (this is just a theory) that you’re experiencing some kind of anxiety or paranoia – This is good (!) because this is treatable! You can try therapy, medication, and regular excercise and a good diet doesn’t hurt either. But please, explore your options first.
Also… when people say ‘it will get better’, it is sort of a lie, because no one knows that for sure. BUT… their intentions are the truth. Their intentions, when they say things like that, are really saying ‘Stick around, because I care and I think you’re worth it.’ So you should be focusing on that bit.
I wish I could hug you right now. But instead, I’ll just say… everything will be alright.