I have tried very hard, for a very long time to find a way to be content in life- I gave up on happy quite some time ago. I am so tired of struggling so hard- I have spent my entire adult life being HIV positive thanks to an a**hole ex-boyfriend- and even tho they say I would die within a few years, I not only lived, I have never been sick more than 25 years later. Being female with HIV, even in good health, has been anything but a picnic. I can’t express the psychological toll it has taken on me. Yes, I can easily acknowledge that I have managed to do a thing or two that has been really good in life- seems I excel at helping others- even got a PhD in a health-related field. Yes, I have known “good things” and have done wonderful things to help others, I am terribly, unendingly miserable. Therapy, meds for depression etc- been there- done that.  I have had other terrible struggles- a childhood of abuse and all the extreme drama that came with that.  So, yes, I have been a survivor- but for what? Never-ending loneliness?
Watching on the sidelines as everyone I know has kids, families, have the the kind of life I had to forego,  etc. is draining. I tried suicide- more than once- failed each time- at least now I know how NOT to do try to do it-so I will not fail on any future attempt. Now my latest addition to a lifetime fo pain and misery is ….more physical pain and misery- fibromyalgia is my newest demon. Can’t take most meds that could help- they don’t mix with other ones I have to take.  But, the ones I can take do a sorry job, at best, at making the pain manageable. I am just worn out,-worn down, and damn tired of trying to “make things right enough”. I just want to end it-and lately, most recently, okay…. even just a few minutes ago- even now-  I have been at battle with myself over doing. But,  because of how my last try really made such a stellar mess of everything and hurt so many others who I love and who love me,  I keep wavering. But, I do so realistically knowing that by not ending things, I will be on this “gerbil exercise wheel of  torment and desolation”,  day in- day out,  until I do.  I  don’t want to just keep on being  “okay-seeming” on the surface for them anymore- the burden is just too great-  but I cant let them know how bad it is because they cant go thru anymore of this again with me. I just wish one person could tell me its ok to just “leave”- I have done enough, long enough, and that dying by my own hand, on my own terms, is ok now because I do deserve peace and I don’t have to wait and go thru however many more years of unrelenting hell.
5 comments
I agree, sometimes it is ok to just leave. Sometimes nothing can be done to make it better. Just make sure you are not simply in the depth of depression, but have explored all options and are thinking rational and calmly. I wish you peace.
TY for saying so. I have read a few of your comments here- learned a bit about you- my depression was treatment-resistant until I dot a thing called a VNS device installed- works great (I agreed to be in a research study to get it- and it really does help me- if I am clinically depressed again, I can’t tell it- except for the wanting to be dead stuff- pf which I keep analyzing incessantly to figure out if its depression or a rational conclusion to zero-quality of life issue).
It’s a difficult question….imagine you are giving advice to your very best friend, analyse the situation as if it was her – maybe that gives you the distance to tell the difference.
In regard to the VNS, I will ask my psychiatrist. Thanks for that bit of advice. I’ve also still got ECT to try, they do that at the clinic in which I used to be.
You absolutely deserve peace, in whatever form that is best for you. No one else can determine what “peace” means for you because you have a lot to consider–your life now and your life to come.
Thanks for sharing your story.
Hi,
I agree, you deserve peace..People who are healthy and happy have no idea what it’s like to be in physical pain. I have my share of emotional pain too, since I also grew up in an abusive environment. Spend 10 years in primal therapy to work it out, and finally reached a point where I was ‘happy’. Then a few years later, a MD ruined my health with Cipro, ever since I am in severe intractable pain. There is NOTHING worse than intractable physical pain, is what I can tell everyone.
And we wonder..why is this happening to us? It’s so unfair…
The best explanation I can come up with is:
1. Evil uncaring numb beings, for instance, this guy who gave you AIDS
2. Karma, meaning ’cause and effect’ Misery in this life can be the result of actions we took in our past lives. Yet by far not everything is Karmic. You can’t do a damn thing about karma though, it s not something you choose, but something we were born with.
3. Accidents, for instance people who run into a drunk on the road and end up paralyzed.
All with all, we live in a very cruel world. Understand that 1 in the 4 people on planet earth lives of $1 or less. That percentage will only increase in the near future.
I totally understand your wish for being death. But my recommendation is to hang in there as long as you can. Suicide depending on the motivation though isn’t always the best death. About motivation: there is a huge difference between ending life because of physical pain, and ending life because of emotional pain. the last one is a bad reason, because the emotional is tightly integrated with the spiritual part, so you won’t remove the mental misery by ending your life.
Ending life because of an illness is different, unless you hide from Karma. But again, that’s hard to tell.
Please keep communicating, I am in the same boat, you are not alone, and we can help each other, one day at the time. You seem to be a nice person.
C