this past year (the 28th year of my life):
i moved to a new city for a job,
became permanently disabled due to a accident,
was crutches for 7 months,
doctors kept ignoring me saying i’m young and will heal,
now never every step, chronic pain stabbing shooting,
then my girlfriend of 4-years broke up with me,
tried to get help from multiple psychotherapists who seemed unable to help me,
started waking up every day wanting to wishing i was dead,
became suicidal and severely depressed for the first time in my life,
started to plan ways to die:
1) jump off a tall building after work, downloaded list of tallest buildings in my area…
2) rent a kayak and throw myself in the ocean with heavy weights,
bought the the weights, brought them in a back pack, rented the kayak…
3) hang myself (multiple locations,)
bought the rope(s), tied a hangman’s noose, tried in my bed room, the garage…
finally just stopped eating…
going out with friends…
laid in bed for days on end on my anti depressant/pain killers,
tired calling my ex who called my a crazy *****… cut up my arms,
4) tied an exit bag around my head and tried to relax…
5) considered buying a helium tank and taking a trip for buy some tubing….
decided to resign from my job due to the disability and depression,
moved back in with my family, no job, no girlfriend, no health insurance, my foot is still crippled… but at least… i’m alive?
and turning 29 very soon…Â (everyone says you are so intelligent, young and you appear so healthy… although your mobility is limited… don’t give up… you have people to care about you… but i feel so f***ing beat up by life… and i don’t know a s*** about love and i thought it was all suppose to get better when you became a “grown up.”
can’t see a future
1 comment
That’s harsh. I’m sorry. I hope that you will keep writing.