I’m pretty sure I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I go from idealizing people I’m close to to hating their guts for no reason. My emotions are always jacked up. I’m paranoid as fuck about other people’s motives. I destroy relationships on purpose and I can’t help it. And I have more than a few self destructive tendencies. A few days ago I “accidentally”? drank to the point where I smacked my head against a wall falling downstairs. I then heard my friend yelling my name and shaking me, but this eventually got fainter and fainter until I suppose I blacked out and became unresponsive for about a minute. Never blacked out before. Was actually kinda scary but it didn’t hurt. I don’t wanna go that way though. I’d feel too pathetic.
I’ve thought about it and in making a suicide attempt, there are two methods I am particularly attracted to. Pills and slitting my wrists. The usual “boring” ones I guess. haha. However, I have read that a lot of the time overdosing won’t kill you. So I guess I’d slit my wrists. I mean, I already cut myself. There is something…aesthetic about bleeding.
Tomorrow is my birthday. It’ll be lonely I guess. Not that I’m feeling sorry for myself. I just wish it wasn’t my birthday. I’m more afraid of getting older than I am of dying.
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Hey, getting older isn’t so bad. You have more freedom. I am a long term survivor of attempted suicide. I started feeling suicidal at age 16. I made my biggest attempt at 24 after which I spent 4 months in a psychiatric unit, followed by years of therapy. Some therapists cared and helped. Others were self-indulgent assholes, not what a suicidal person needs. One therapist, when I was 35, didn’t give me more than a year to live. I am now 67; he died from cancer. What am I most proud of in my life? That I have survived, even though sometimes I still wonder why. I understand the struggle. I understand the pain. I’ve written a fiction novel which includes a lot about suicide (and sex and fantasy and romance) but so far no one wants to publish it–the forbidden topic. Yeah, that makes us all feel better, doesn’t it? LOL I know what it’s like to be smart, talented and different, not fit in like others do. I know what it’s like to have not one shred of interest in anything. I know what it’s like to be in so much pain that I can’t cry, so bleeding helps. I think it’s time people like us supported each other. We are not like other people, but we do deserve to live joyous lives.
You can find friends and people that care about you. You can find a way to live life happily.
I wish i believed that. But what’s the point when I’m just going to die, lose all consciousness and memory, and become nothing more than a decomposing body anyways? I do feel like people care about me. But for some reason I don’t feel hardly anything towards other people. I feel numb and psychotic and unable to relate to or be close to anyone. I can’t connect to anyone it seems..
Happy Birthday, at least someone to wish u that,even though u dont know me or i dont know u , but i guess there is something similar between us because when i read ur post, i felt i had to reply. bout the rest, its everyones free will,u want to live, u want to die. my last birthday, i was alone too, i felt whats the point of all this (notjus coz it was my bday, that was the general feelin i had been havin for some time).
Anyway if u r reading this, means u still havent killed urself and if reading any of the replies brought any relief, think of life like that, u dont know whats around the next bend, something beautiful to cherish or a dump truck with no brakes
Ya know, I didn’t really expect anyone to care. You made me smile for a minute there. Thanks. Seriously. I’m sorry you were alone too on your last birthday :/
Even though I don’t know you I’m glad you have something that keeps you going.
Thanks for making my life a little less shitty 🙂
why are you afraid of getting older?? Happy birthday =) how old are you now btw??
Hiya, Actually, overdosing can kill you but it isn’t pleasant. I have overdosed twice but was found both times. Slitting wrists? I’ve never heard of anyone dying that way from suicide, but I suppose it can happen. I’d think the pain and blood might freak you out and you’d call 911 on yourself before dying, though.
That is how I tried killing myself. Slitting my wrists. I didn’t do it right but now I know how to do it if I try again. To me it is better than blacking out. I like seeing the blood drip down my arm and the pain of dying. The physical pain soothes my emotional pain.