Have you ever had someone capture everything about you in a single word? As if that person could sum up your whole existence with a one word description? That recently happened to me when my girlfriend called me SELFISH.
I am a divorced father of 3 beautiful children and I have another child with the aforementioned girlfriend. For reasons I do not wish to go into yet, I want to kill myself. For lack of a better expression, I have reached the end of my rope. I no longer see a future with any sort of happiness and the day to day survival is breaking me down. I have come to the conclusion that my kids will be better off without me. Or will they?
I found this list of things children might think and feel after someone close to them has died:
Abandoned – that the person who died didn’t love them.
Feel the death is their fault – if they would have loved the person more or behaved differently.
Afraid that they will die too.
Worried that someone else they love will die or worry about who will take care of them.
Guilt – because they wished or thought of the person’s death.
Sad.
Embarrassed – to see other people or to go back to school.
Confused.
Angry – with the person who died, at God, at everyone.
Lonely.
Denial – pretend like nothing happened.
Numb – can’t feel anything.
Wish it would all just go away.
I cannot let any of my kids feel any of this. This list is the only reason I am still around to write this. For now.
7 comments
Are you willing to really leave your kids fatherless? What are they going to for father’s day.. When all the other children have fathers to go to and they dont. :L just stay with them.
I have no kids, but I am glad that you do. That will probably make you go seek the medication or talk therapy that you just may need. Take some sick or vacation days off if you have them to clear your head. Whether you decide to spend it with your children or not, I think the time to reflect will be benefit you. Keep us updated, we all care about you and your story
I am like you. Every fibre of my soul wants to die. I have two sons, I too recently came across this list, and I just CANNOT do it to them. I have been hospitalized several times, I think right now I’d be ready to go in again, but I am a single mum, nobody there to look after them but me, so I don’t rely want to go back to hospital either. Every day is a battle. Sorry I have no advice, but just know you’re not alone.
What helps me is good friends, hobbies for distraction, regular sleep, healthy eating… Sounds lame but it helps at least a bit. And of course therapy and meds.
All the best.
my dad never cared he left my mom pregnant just out of high school. dont give up u dont want ur kids to rmember u that way.
My dad committed suicide when I was 12 years old. Your list that describes what children may think or feel if someone close to them committs suicide is true. It is a very accurate list. I felt all of those things after my dad committed suicide. Don’t do it. Don’t leave them. Dig deep. I know it’s hard. Get help from a professional…..there are good medications available out there….they can help you. Eat well, exercise.
I can tell you from first hand experience….your kids will miss you. It will hurt them for years and years…..please get professional help. If you can’t afford a doctor…..try your very best to eat good healthy foods and exercise. Try your best……I know when you struggle with depression it’s hard to do these things……but please give it your all.
Best of luck to you…..children are beautiful gifts…..they need you.
Withdrawn,
The fact that you’re thinking about these things show that, though none of us are selfless individuals, you do care about your family. Those feelings really do occur, even if the person hasn’t committed suicide. If you focus on being a great dad instead of everything else, learn to live for your kids’ happiness, I know you’ll find happiness yourself. But I can’t give you too much advice without knowing why you’re suicidal 🙁 Things don’t get easier, you just have to get stronger.
WithdrawnAndDistant: Maybe this is a quite different perspective than what you’d normally get, and I hope you will understand the ultimate point I’m making. What I hear from your post aside from despair are feelings of guilt and obligation. One observation I’ve made about people who are suicidal, even if the tendency is not habitual, is that something they want to do on their own behalf (commit suicide) is often held back by some feeling of guilt or obligation to other people. Granted, you brought children into the world; you are responsible for them. But I think what brings most people to the brink of feeling suicidal in the first place is that they are at the end of their rope, have given everything they can give to others, but aren’t getting what they need in return, whatever it may be. They’re exhausted from trying, trying, trying with little results. In my opinion, feeling suicidal is almost a way to acknowledge to oneself that “that’s all I can do==I need a break” and finally get to a place of “rest” where no more obligations are necessary that don’t give in return. Unfortunately, most people don’t become aware of this hidden aspect, but skip right over it, stop their suicidal plans, and go right back to the feelings of guilt and obligation that ultimately led them to feeling suicidal in the first place. I’m not saying I want you to commit suicide. I’m saying there’s a hidden component that keeps the cycle going that I wonder if most people don’t normally see.
What I’m saying is…I have compassion on your feelings of needing an out, even if you have obligations to fulfill in life. It’s as if you want to bypass having compassion on yourself because you need to hold out for someone else–your children, their feelings, etc. Sometimes needing to take care of yourself is technically “self-ish” but necessary. Wanting to commit suicide is “selfish” in that it’s a cry for help for oneself. Unfortunately, at least in my opinion, lists like the one you shared mention “selfish” in a moralistic, reprimanding way (in other words, stuff your own feelings down and think about others first) rather than in the good, self=caring, toward-the-self, self-ish way I referred to. If you do not first take care of yourself, you will not have the energy to be of consistent good to another. For this reason, in airplane emergencies, they ask you to first put your own air mask, THEN attend to your child(ren). It makes sense.
So, to sum up (shit, I’m pretty windy, but it takes a while to build up a point that I’ve heard few people make in a way that won’t get misunderstood easily)…I’m not encouraging you to commit suicide; I’m encouraging you to be self-ish by allowing yourself to feel your pain fully and have compassion on yourself and your end-of-the-rope circumstances BEFORE trying to take action because you’re thinking first of how it will affect others.
I heard someone say that, centuries ago, there was a popular piece of advice given to anyone entering politics: “Get yourself in order, get your family in order, get your country in order. And do it in THAT order.” Beware of things that inadvertently or indirectly encourage you to withhold your feelings out of some noble-sounding but misguided advice to think of other people first. Sounds so good but doesn’t actually make much sense when you think of it more deeply. You are the one suffering who needs the help at the moment–THAT’S what I support you to do for yourself for the moment. Your right decisions for yourself will yield good outcomes on others; not the other way around. The other way around will keep the cycle going.
This is all still just my opinion but I hope sometimes it helps people ease up on themselves a little. I hear you, and I wish you well.