The Ultimate Selfish Act

September 19th, 2011by WithdrawnAndDistant

Have you ever had someone capture everything about you in a single word? As if that person could sum up your whole existence with a one word description? That recently happened to me when my girlfriend called me SELFISH.

I am a divorced father of 3 beautiful children and I have another child with the aforementioned girlfriend. For reasons I do not wish to go into yet, I want to kill myself. For lack of a better expression, I have reached the end of my rope. I no longer see a future with any sort of happiness and the day to day survival is breaking me down. I have come to the conclusion that my kids will be better off without me. Or will they?

I found this list of things children might think and feel after someone close to them has died:
Abandoned – that the person who died didn’t love them.
Feel the death is their fault – if they would have loved the person more or behaved differently.
Afraid that they will die too.
Worried that someone else they love will die or worry about who will take care of them.
Guilt – because they wished or thought of the person’s death.
Embarrassed – to see other people or to go back to school.
Angry – with the person who died, at God, at everyone.
Denial – pretend like nothing happened.
Numb – can’t feel anything.
Wish it would all just go away.

I cannot let any of my kids feel any of this. This list is the only reason I am still around to write this. For now.

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