have I finally found a name for my problem? I thought it was schizophrenia but I was wrong. Nothings wrong, I just.. I hesitate to say can’t because it’s obvious I can,.. I won’t speak. I started reading about selective mutism and it made me cry for the first time in a year. I’ve always thought that my issues with anxiety were small to begin with and only grew because of my abusive upbringing, and later on, drug abuse. It seems I was born with the seed of depression and I was in the correct environment for it to grow and blossom.
But, I wasn’t depressed then. I was anxious and shy and looked depressed, but never felt it. Hindsight shows me that I’ve had an issue with socializing though. I’ve always known that I’m only able to speak to select individuals. fuck fuck, I’m so frustrated.
Tried cutting last night but couldn’t bring myself to do it. Too squeamish, any pain is to much. I’m such a coward and a child and a fool and I don’t know why I’m even on this site. I can’t even speak to people online. All I can do is lurk and try to gain some sort of solace through the experiences of others. I can’t do anything with you people. The only person I can talk to is my 11 year old brother and I’m so afraid of him outgrowing me because I won’t be able to kill myself.
I want to die now, oh god, I want to do now. I’m at work crying, typing, thinking of how hard it was not to destroy my apartments contents last night. Everyday is worse than the next. I thought I wanted death but I can’t do that to my brother. Better that I never existed to begin. I only leech off the the people around.
can’t talk. 25 and i’ve never asked a girl out to her face. the closest I came was a love letter that I wrote. I read her about half of it, stammered through most of what I got out. Cant do this but I can’t die. If I go, my brother takes my place. but if I go, I won’t be around to know. argh. I can’t be anyone, not ever. I can’t walk so how am I supposed to run? I don’t want pills to make me happy, I’m too stubborn. I wish my life were shit so I wouldn’t be so afraid to kill myself. Unfortunately I have everything except the ability to speak to the people I want to. The physical world can be mine but nothing else. I can have all the toys I want but never people. fuck fuck fuck, can’t have anything then.
all i can do is work like a machine, imitate them because they don’t feel and it’s better to not feel. Go to a party and feel like shit afterward because of my mute act or stay home feeling sorry for myself that I’m not out enjoying the simplicity of socializing. somebody help me. father wants to save me, get me the best doctors in the world and he has the means. He didn’t offer help when I told him that all I want to do is die. he didn’t give me a gun. he wants me to live, but for what?
to end up like the rest of the 40+ year olds here who’ve been duped into living to such an absurd age and are now finally taking that leap. Why why why i can’t i just do it. i love my brother, he’s the only thing in existence that makes me feel some sort of positivity. fuck, i hate this
3 comments
Hi Tphg, I’m glad you came here to share your story. I think most of us can relate to this a little bit. I can relate a lot because I am also a total introvert, and I hate talking to people/ can’t carry on conversations etc. But this depression and these anxieties aren’t your fault it’s just part of the depression disease.
You seem like a really kind and gentle person, not wanting to hurt your brother and all. If you’re not on medication I suggest you give it a try. What’s the worst that can happen? You love your family and they love you, so it’s worth a shot just for that : ).
As for girls, you just have to practice. We all get approach anxiety, believe me, but just say hi and introduce yourself, have them introduce themselves and then ask them out (easier said than done I know).
I personally would like to have more friends who were mute, because my friends are all opinionated and sometimes just don’t know when to shut the fuck up.
Wally is right about not resisting medication. You may not realise that you might not need it forever – I took a course of anitdepressants for 3 months, just to try it out, I decided it wasn’t for me (they made me foggy and stopped me from being creative), but trying it out was a good thing because it made me realise that the way a depressed person feels is so extreme – EVERYTHING is bad and EVERYTHING sux and NOTHING will EVER get better… its kind of melodramatic, and what medication does is just tone down the extremeness of your thought patterns. Now that I’ve tried the meds, and I understand what they do, I can remind myself when I’m thinking in extreme terms. I might go back on them if I had to, but to not try it out of stubborness is stupid.
I’m really glad you agree and have reached out. I had a friend who didn’t reach out to anyone, try meds or anything and just did himself in one night. It’s over a year later and we still miss him. His parents took it the hardest. To us It was like, all the bullshit that he thought was a big deal was no reason to take his life over we could have helped him if he had just reached out. I’m glad you’ve reached out : ), and I know things will get better.