It angers me so much when I see everyone taking life for granted. I lost so much in the past 5 months. I lost my cousin to suicide May 2, 2011. My mom raised him. He turned into an older brother role. I feel like I lost my brother more than anything. I lost my nephews and niece because Ricky’s wife no longer talks to us. We are a family divided. Events like this bring you together. Not in my family. It tore us apart. Rumors, lies, blame, hate, hurt, anger. This family is fucked. I lost my close relationship with my mother because she believes those who cry are weak. She rather forget what happened then deal with what happened. We are constantly ripping each other’s throat out. It wasnt this way before. I partly blame her for his death. I lost friends because they were forcing me to move foward rather than being a good friend. I have lost sleep. I sleep a max of two hours a night. Sometimes three if I’m lucky. I stay up wondering what could have been done or said different. How pissed I am for him leaving us and his three poor innocent kids behind. How life will never ever be the same. How instead of visiting him this summer where he would have been stationed at in Virgina, I get to decorate his grave for Halloween. I spend my days on Facebook on suicide survivors support groups. I know as soon as I wake up if its going to be a good day or bad day. How instead of being at my wedding like he promised, the only way I can see him now is at the cemetary. Somedays I can sit for 4-6 hours at his grave and cry. Now instead of partying with him, my weekends are filled with Out of the Darkness Community walks and fundraising for suicide awareness. Now I cringe when people say things like “just fucking kill me already.” My response to them is usually something like this “my cousin actually did kill himself. Took a vial of poison and never woke up. Want to watch what you say?” My second tattoo should have been something that represents me…..not something that broke my heart, my family and changed my life.
People take life for granted. Complain about their parents. Their sisters. Their friends. Life in itself. Life is beautiful. You just have to make it that way. Who gives a shit if your different. I wouldn’t want to be normal. Being different is great. People will always have something to say, but its up to you to show them different. You are your own person. There is nothing greater than realizing that. Everyone has imperfections and flaws. That is what makes us human. Suicide is so serious. People have lost so much to that. Sons, daughters, wives, husbands, fathers, mothers, grandchildren, and the list goes on. Reach out for help. My cousin never did. He took so many of us for granted. There is help. Strive to be different. Life is always worth it.
4 comments
You’re right man.
He was in the Coast Guard?
Thankyou for sharing your heartbreaking story and that is the reason why I won’t (touch wood) go through with it.
I hope some day you and your family can stop blaming yourselves and each other. Deppression is ENTIRELY in the mind, and you and your family really didn’t have any control over what your cousin did.
I have a theory – that energy (both good and bad) doesn’t die, it just gets passed on, and the only way to break the cycle is to change the nature of the that energy. So your cousin’s bad energy didn’t die when he did, it got passed on to you and your family. (that’s why suicide is not a solution to bad feelings, they just become someone else’s problem). I hope that you can find a way to change that energy into something positive.
PS. It’s a shame. Your cousin was hot.
My cousin was a United States Navy Petty Officer. I believe he was an E5 and going up in the world. This picture I posted was a picture he sent to us while on a mission to Spain. Thank you. I believe in the energy getting passed to others as well. I just wish others would see and understand what they are leaving behind when they do even consider this.