15 hours away

I am just less than 15 hours away from a long awaited back surgery that will finally relive the pain in my leg that I have had since May. 39 minutes ago was supposed to be a different kind of surgery….A self administered death. But here I am thankful that it didn’t happen that way. I have learned that we are blessed with people in our lives and that sometimes we may think those blessings are curses. I see this is not the case anymore. Everything happens only to make us strong and smarter. I have been depressed for so, so many years and now I sort of have a grasp on the problems. I screwed up the greatest opportunity of my life by letting my wife go, by giving her every reason in the world to finally say enough is enough. But in the end, things are going to work out. She is a great women and deserves to be happy and she is on her way there. I could have never made it this far in life without her. I would give anything to make it work again, to have another try at it, and to try and try for the rest of my life to make it work. But I don’t want to take anything away from her anymore. In a few short hours, after I wake from my surgery, pain free, I will have to change my thinking about life. There is so much more out there for me that I just need to open my eyes and see it. I’ll never be over my wife…that’s just the way it is. But suicide for me is not the answer now.