This is really so lame, but I’m 22 and I still think I’m that same little girl that my mom used as a physical and emotionally punching bag. I still remember her telling me to go and kill myself when I was about 11,12 after her ranting and raving. I remember her laughing when I cried and telling me that god didn’t love me. I remember the isolation and always being afraid.I know they are lies now, but for years I believe that bit**. I’m so angry I have to work hard too achieved things that everyone takes for granted. She stole my chance to be happy.  I try to be a good person and help in all way people that are sad or in pain because I know what that’s like. But now when I cross the street I just wanna stand there and see what happens. I’m stuck in a spiral abusive relationship and hes done every disgusting thing from rape, to punching. I have a beautiful baby girl with him, shes god-sent. I have no friends, no family and as much as I try to do everything work, be a good mom. I cant stop feeling like garbage, and its been years and I want it to end. But then I cant leave my perfect baby with his crazy family. I feel like I failed her, I feel like she deserves so much more. I know quiting is for punks and Im no quiter…but I think the days of me being able to stomach myself in the mirror are over.
3 comments
You have my sympathy. I know too well that sort of abuse and it’s lingering effects. My mother repeatedly told me how ugly I was starting at 5 and ignored me telling her when I was 8 that her husband was sexually abusing me ( as he did my brothers as well ) .
It was and still is a resentment I hold on too as much as I would like to let it go. Her husband ? actually somehow a sort of forgiveness happened .. don’t ask me how and of course I never told him. But it did lift that anger.
But our mothers are supposed to love us. Protect us. When they don’t something is stolen from us. A bond that never happened.
My mother Passed away a year ago and contrary to all who said ” you’ll regret it ” or ” that’s your mother no matter what ” since I didn’t have a relationship with her ( and I had a few times tried to establish one ) I didn’t feel what people feel when a parent dies. It may have well been a stranger . No , of course I didn’t go to the funeral as I thought it would have been hypocritical for me to do so.
The only resentment I feel towards her is that she didn’t care about the opportunity to be a mother. Even my gran stated in her old world Ukrainian accent ” You mother never like to pet you or hold you ”
It is life I suppose . No one is promised happiness or security.
But you didn’t fail. Your mother did. Don’t carry her baggage. Don’t let her continue to beat you up by doing it to yourself.
You have to get away from him. You do not have to forgive your mother but you have to get over it, or deal with it, something. I went through very similar things with my father. I hold a bit of hate towards him but I am 27 and just a few years ago I just started to not let what he said or how he treated me dictate how I live.. It is hard and will always be difficult. I have a daughter as well and I get it. Now you have to move on… from everything right now so you can be the best mom possible. Which is what I think you want to be
The things that have happend to you in the past mean that you have the resolve to cope with anything. The problem is getting out of a situation which might be all you have ever known. Firstly, forget about your unhappy childhood. That will not prevent you from having a successful future. Secondly, the guy you are with sounds like a jerk to put it mildly. You have to give him the sack. Get in contact with some groups that help young women deal with domestic violence. They can help get you out of there. Then once you are safe report him to the police. If convicted he won’t see the light of day for a long time.
Stay safe. I remember, things might be difficult now but you have gotten through the worst of it. Things can only get better and they will.