Born to die

I’ve been wondering just how long I could make it before the benefits of ‘giving up’ outweighed the cons. A few years feeling the way I do seems to have done the trick. I have so much going for me; a good education, a roof over my head, a wonderful group of friends and a brother and sister who love me. Unfortuantely for every good thing there was a bad thing; a hateful, cotemptuous father, an emotionally absent mother, an abusive ex-girlfriend, a run of incapacitating bad health. I’m an academic. So it pleases me to see this as a problem, just an equation that doesn’t quite add up. This allows me the benefit of emotional distance. The bad stuff took over. That’s all. The balance disappeared and I broke. This was a good few years ago. I died then. At least a part of me did. Slowly, piece by piece with no degree of uncertainty, the rest of me follows. When I can’t fight my way out of the darkness anymore, I will take my final walk.

I take solace in the fact that there must be a purpose to it. Throughout nature, religion, mathematics, economics, in fact, any science you care to study, you will see balance. Maybe if I suffer, a little boy across the other side of the world will not. Perhaps, that’s how this all works. Luck of the draw and all that. I was born to die. Others were born to live. Perfect harmony.

I feel so weak, so helpless. Like a child lost in the woods at night. But that’s okay. I’m only one person and I’m not doing anybody any harm. If and when the time comes it’ll be nice to be able to look this ‘thing’ in the eye and say “I’ve paid my dues.”

God bless.