I’m going to die one way or the other, be it my own hand or someone else. I started college about 4-5 years ago, and things went fine, for a while. And then, it all spiraled out of control. Soon I failed all my classes, no matter how much I studied. I had to leave and start fresh, new school, new subject. I thought it was behind me. It was the worst period of my life. And here I am again, second year at my new school, and it’s all repeating. After everything that happened last time, I know I’m not going to get through this. So do I finish it myself, and avoid everything that’s coming? I don’t even know. From this point forward, my life will be a living hell. I don’t want that to happen. I don’t want to go through that again, and it will be even worse the second time. So I don’t know what to do.
I know plenty of people who have, on the face at least, worse problems than me. But I know what this feels like, and I’ll do just about anything to stop it. My family…well, there’s an interesting aspect. Half the time we get along great, half the time we fight. Either way I have to hear about how great and successful my siblings are, but that’s not the problem; it’s just another thing piled on. I already had to drop a class this semester because I failed the midterm, and I went to incredible lengths not to tell my parents. They still don’t know, and if they find out I’m dead. But there’s always a chance I can keep up my deception.
The thing is, when these things happen, when I have to deal with this stuff, I’m not thinking about the rest of the world. I’m not thinking “it could be worse,” because in that moment, it really couldn’t. It’s unbearable, to have no future, to fail every endeavor. I talked about the possibility of suicide last time this happened. Right now it’s just a thought, but depending on how things go, it may get as bad as it did last time. I can’t imagine myself every actually doing it, but when I think about what happened before, again, I’ll do almost anything to prevent it.
5 comments
Kill yourself won solve your problems, maybe you should try something you like and is good at, doesnt matter what it is, you probably wouldnt fail. Each one has its own talents
feeling the depression coming on once again and knowing you cannot prevent it is a horrible feeling. i know it, i lived it, i continue living it. i think you should tell your ‘rents about the class, would not want you in a bad mood and have your parents make it worse covering a lie. best of luck with shit, its tough, just gottta ride it out, who knows whatll happen.
This sounds uncannily like my own problem. Failed, repeated a year, and now facing the prospect of failing again. I understand what it’s like, when you seem to be staring failure in the face.
You’ve got to tackle that thing that makes your life spiral out of control. Are you comfortable with sharing about that? There obviously seems to be some issue at hand for history to repeat itself. Is it because you don’t like what you’re studying? Or an issue with a pre-existing condition? Or problems with your social life? If you don’t nip the problem in the bud it will always recur.
Regarding the parents, I agree with tigerwoodsismyhero. Tell them, you can’t hide it forever. You say they’re great half the time, so try talking to them during this period. Perhaps you can seek help with them, or from them.
My sister is going through the exact same issue you are tiger. She is almost 30, and she has changed college, and also change degrees at least 2-3 times. She was so depressed as well. I have encouraged and told her that it doesn’t matter what other people think, and it doesn’t matter that your classmates think you are old or what anyone at all says, except what she feels about it. It is never too late to learn, and try to get a college degree.
Give it an honest try. Also, try to go at your own pace even if it takes longer to get the degree.
I know how this feels. I’m at my fourth school. Also my fourth year of school, so I should be graduating in the spring but with changing schools so many times and failing several classes because I’m so depressed, I’ll probably need another two or three years before I get my degree. That doesn’t bother me too much. What really bothers me is that I know I have the ability to get good grades but I’m often too depressed to do the work or tolerate some teachers’ bullshit.