Death by college

  November 23rd, 2011 by gamegear

I’m going to die one way or the other, be it my own hand or someone else.  I started college about 4-5 years ago, and things went fine, for a while.  And then, it all spiraled out of control.  Soon I failed all my classes, no matter how much I studied.  I had to leave and start fresh, new school, new subject.  I thought it was behind me.  It was the worst period of my life.  And here I am again, second year at my new school, and it’s all repeating.  After everything that happened last time, I know I’m not going to get through this.  So do I finish it myself, and avoid everything that’s coming?  I don’t even know.  From this point forward, my life will be a living hell.  I don’t want that to happen.  I don’t want to go through that again, and it will be even worse the second time.  So I don’t know what to do.
I know plenty of people who have, on the face at least, worse problems than me.  But I know what this feels like, and I’ll do just about anything to stop it.  My family…well, there’s an interesting aspect.  Half the time we get along great, half the time we fight.  Either way I have to hear about how great and successful my siblings are, but that’s not the problem; it’s just another thing piled on.  I already had to drop a class this semester because I failed the midterm, and I went to incredible lengths not to tell my parents.  They still don’t know, and if they find out I’m dead. But there’s always a chance I can keep up my deception.

The thing is, when these things happen, when I have to deal with this stuff, I’m not thinking about the rest of the world.  I’m not thinking “it could be worse,” because in that moment, it really couldn’t.  It’s unbearable, to have no future, to fail every endeavor.  I talked about the possibility of suicide last time this happened. Right now it’s just a thought, but depending on how things go, it may get as bad as it did last time.  I can’t imagine myself every actually doing it, but when I think about what happened before, again, I’ll do almost anything to prevent it.

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