I am that deadbeat loser.

You know how you hear about deadbeat husbands who let their wives do all the work and planning and don’t help much around the house?  The ones who can’t get jobs, who play video games most days?

I’m that guy.  I’m in my mid-20’s and have been married a couple of years.  My wife is in a master’s program, and I am still trying to finish up my undergraduate degree.  I was once a star student, getting 4.0 almost every semester while holding down two part-time jobs.  Now, I fail most of my classes, don’t make money for us.  I will be graduating a lot later than I should have if I don’t screw up again and miss this next date.  Our financial situation is quickly deteriorating.

I have been very depressed over the last year or so, and despite treatment my school and work performance is dismal.  Even if I manage to graduate, I’ll probably never get a job.

I just can’t get myself to work hard or even care about things, no matter what I promise to myself, my wife, or anyone.  I have no self-respect at all.  I used to be freaking awesome at life, and now I’m a failure, no more than a burden to my poor wife.

I want to kill myself.  Don’t feel like I can live with this absolute shame, the constant presence of my failures.  I have access to all the resources I’d need to all but guarantee quick, clean death.  I have gone over numerous suicide plans and I think I have found a really effective one.  But I promised my wife I wouldn’t kill myself.  I can’t do it to her, because despite everything, she loves me.  And I love her too much to knowingly hurt her so much.  So I am forced to persist, knowing all concerned parties would be better off if I were dead, except that for some reason some of them would be upset.

I used to be incredibly religious, even was a volunteer minister for a while.  Now, I very much doubt there is a god, but if there is, damn him for creating me.

I know I have no right to complain.  My life is charmed.  Berate me all you want.  I deserve every bit of it.

I also know this seems short-sighted and even petty.  But damn it, I’m worthless to the one person who’s opinion I value.  I live only for my wife, without her I’d happily welcome a swift end to a pathetic existence.

I’m keeping my promise to my wife for now, but I wonder if I’ll always be able to do it.  If things get worse, how can I stand it?

Now, if anyone has read this far, I thank you for your attention and suggest that perhaps your time would be better spent elsewhere, rather than on my directionless, long-winded, self-pitying rant.