I can’t figure out the “when”

November 26th, 2011by InternalHelper

I’ve decided on the “what” and the “where” and the”how” (and obviously the “who” lol), but I can’t decide on the “when”. I mean, I guess it is never the right time to kill yourself. And yes, I know it is horribly selfish and all of that. If I can hold on and get through Christmas, that would be great! I’m just trying to give myself some sort of criteria….like if I’m suicidal for more than two months straight, then I can do it. Or when I finish my degree and I still want to die, then I can do it. Or if I have two more suicidal episodes within the next year, then I will do it. About 6 months ago, I had a serious attempt that landed me in the Intensive Care Unit of the hospital. I started feeling better about 3 weeks after the attempt and did well until a few days ago. I know I will feel better eventually, but it will never last. It never does. I have been suicidal on and off for over 14 years. It gets better for a while, and then it starts all over again. I’m lucky to have an amazing therapist who I love dearly. She’s the only reason I am still alive. But I can’t keep on living for her. I have to live for myself. And when it comes down to it, I just don’t want to live for myself anymore. I’m so tired of fighting. I just want some relief from the pain.

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