I’ve decided on the “what” and the “where” and the”how” (and obviously the “who” lol), but I can’t decide on the “when”. I mean, I guess it is never the right time to kill yourself. And yes, I know it is horribly selfish and all of that. If I can hold on and get through Christmas, that would be great! I’m just trying to give myself some sort of criteria….like if I’m suicidal for more than two months straight, then I can do it. Or when I finish my degree and I still want to die, then I can do it. Or if I have two more suicidal episodes within the next year, then I will do it. About 6 months ago, I had a serious attempt that landed me in the Intensive Care Unit of the hospital. I started feeling better about 3 weeks after the attempt and did well until a few days ago. I know I will feel better eventually, but it will never last. It never does. I have been suicidal on and off for over 14 years. It gets better for a while, and then it starts all over again. I’m lucky to have an amazing therapist who I love dearly. She’s the only reason I am still alive. But I can’t keep on living for her. I have to live for myself. And when it comes down to it, I just don’t want to live for myself anymore. I’m so tired of fighting. I just want some relief from the pain.
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I’ve heard and read a lot of things, but finally I think I’ve come to sort of a conclusion that:
Life on earth is indeed hard, very hard.
but that’s exactly the ‘purpose'(?) :
that we’re supposed to thrive through it and *learn* things,
to pass into the next life,
because (and I think @softsoul and some others can quite attest also to this) we’re probably not going to be ‘dead’, but only to transition into the next life, a higher dimension & reality..
take it or leave it though..
Yes, niki. I do believe also that this life is not the end all. It is a transition. Actually, it is more than a transition. It is a test of who we are. We need to go through this life, and confront many challenges and also make many mistakes.
Yeah, I made it through Thanksgiving-now I struggle day by day to Christmas. I know how you feel about when…Sometimes I am able to rally and almost act human, but most of the time my thoughts are filled with how. I am having a hard time deciding to do this during the holidays-I feel horrible and oh so ready but I think of my family and I try to hold on. It seems like it is going to take a huge fight or a lie exposed to finally trip my trap.
jv- I was impressed I made it through Thanksgiving also-it’s an anniversary of sorts for me. And an extremely depressing anniversary at that! I also feel horrible when i think of my family…it makes me sick to my stomach to think I could be so selfish. Sometimes I try to justify it by thinking that they are the ones who are being selfish by expecting me to live when I am in this much pain. You would think that people would be able to see past their own selfish desire to have a person who is in so much pain stay alive for them. But, i guess, people by nature are pretty selfish when it comes right down to it. That’s my opinion at least!
Several of my family members are aware of my intent on some level. I also have at least one other family member that committed suicide and another who is a cancer survivor who has said she will end her own life rather than die in a hospital situation. Still I can not yet say when. Although last week I was very close after a terrible fight with my partner.
I know how it is to live in pain and to keep doing it because of others…. I have looked and looked for better/easier/etc solutions… the thoughts we are all struggling with here on this site clearly show that suicide is not the easy solution…. if I only had the magic wand……
knotlikeothers- you are totally right. it’s not an easy decision. It is a decision that is horribly difficult to make. It is definitely not just “an easy way out.”