Hello everyone,
I thought I would post about myself, though whether anyone reads these I dont know, and I’m sure my story is nothing special. I am young, I just graduated, I spent three years at university trying to hide my depression. I made friends, but I dont keep in touch with any of them, I dont want to talk to anyone I know any more. I have come away to a foreign country with my savings, I lied to everyone, making up different reasons for coming – some think I am volunteering, others working. Truth is I do nothing but lie in bed all day and all night with the curtains drawn and lights out. I feel the isolation is gradually affecting my sanity, where I am winter is approaching and it gets very, very cold, yet I never light the fire, I just stay under the covers in the dark. I go out maybe once every two days to eat, I am only eating about one meal every two days. When I first got here I went for walks, now I cant be bothered. Days go by when I dont say a word to anyone besides Hello to the woman on the supermarket checkout. I feel like I am on my deathbed, waiting to go. I have not attempted suicide, I have not even thought about how to do it, I’m not sure that I will. I think I will just stay here and drift away, or wait for madness to take over. I feel desperately lonely, yet I just cant bring myself to talk to anyone anymore. I used to be socially confident, now I am useless. I also feel trapped, there is nowhere for me to go, nothing for me to do. Even though I have this computer I dont even play games or go on facebook. I have never put on music, this room is always silent as a graveyard. I just want to disappear.
8 comments
I feel just like you do. My world is getting smaller and smaller. I have such a hard time going out of my house and interacting with the world. My partner wants me to leave but I am too tired and anxious. I am just a dried husk-no longer living.
Hey i don’t know you you don’t know me, but is there any chance you can do me a favour. I want you to smile for me. Its simple but you see i’ve lost my smile- i think its been stolen. Look in the mirror and smile, then automatically i will remember. Pretty please. Pretty please with a cherry on top.
Haha ok, I will even put my light on for the first time today to do it.
Hi Mike,
Your post really affected me, it is beautiful.
Weirdly, I kind of envy you the simplicity of your environment. I used to live like that, now my life is cluttered with stuff I don’t use and my mind too.
Do you ever dream of something better, and if so, what?
I wanted to be a writer or an academic, but at university just getting up and feigning normality was such a struggle that I just scraped through writing my essays last minute and going to my exams unprepared and couldn’t bring myself to do any extra-curricular work. Now for the first time in my life I don’t have to lie and fake that nothing is wrong, I feel like I am just lost. I only did normal things because I felt such pressure to do them, now I am under no pressure, and so I can’t do anything at all.
Mike, I am in the position of becoming an academic. However, I think my path will change as I’ve done some mistakes that may hinder my advancement into such a career. It is definitely scary, and I fell into depression, despair, and anguish. I am still a bit scared. I come from a christian family, and though many times I decided to ignore the Lord. I have started praying and coming back to him. I’ve felt better and empowered. It gives me the strength and wisdom that I can continue my life. I am not sure anymore what will happen, but as the Lord says only worry of today.
“Then Jesus said to his disciples: ‘Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?’†(Luke 12:22-26, NIV). (Also see Matthew 6:25-34)
well it is time that you force yourself to eat. get out and go for your walks. and go seek some professional help so you can get medicated for your depression. winter is hard enough!
Well, Uni is a very specific environment, some people love it, others hate it. Maybe you belong in another environment?
I agree that you should get help, help to figure out how to get some more peace of mind. Maybe some coaching or yoga or tai-chi or something?
What about working with people, have you ever considered that? You sound like a kind bloke.