This is my story. I will turn 30 years old on Xmas eve. My whole life, I’ve been both coddled and emotionally abused. My father alternated between impulsively flying off the handle when I fucked up (as evidenced by his extremely loud and caustic rants about how lazy and incompetent I am) and unreasonably shielding me from the natural consequences of my behaviors (e.g. paying off large amounts of overdraft fees when I mismanaged my money) . I joined the Marine Corps in September of 2000, got through bootcamp, and then got administratively separated because of depression and have been ashamed ever since. I recently completed a master’s degree in clinical psychology, and it is pretty much worthless (except the $40,000 I paid for it). I cope with my problems by using alcohol, a habit I’ve had since I was about 17 and I can see my cognitive abilities slowly declining. I am still living at home with my father, and have never lived on my own. I am not self-sufficient and have not yet found the motivation to look for a real job since I finished graduate school as I feel overwhelmed and exhausted at the very idea of living the rest of my life. Â I am almost certain that I contracted HIV from a prostitute in the summer of 2010, but I have not yet had the gumption to get tested even though I have been living as if I have already tested positive. To top it all off, there is a girl who I am really beginning to have genuine feelings about, a genuine attachment for the first time in my life. An attachment that isn’t rooted in selfishness for the first goddamned time in my miserable fucking life and she has a very serious boyfriend of 4.5 years to whom she will most likely get married and she recently moved 3 states away. I have lost all will to live and have already made the decision to end my life. The very thought brings such intense feelings of relief and sometimes even euphoria. I am glad that I came across this website because I feel that I am amongst many others who truly understand the dark place I am in. Others who won’t offer empty platitudes or vacant offers of help, but simply genuine understanding.
1 comment
I am walking dangerously close to your path. I want to fix things, and I also want to do something of myself. I want to do good in this world. We need to do good.