I don’t know who I am, I never really knew who I was. But i know I’m tired of myself & I’m only 15..maybe these years have just been too long for me. There are few who know about me, my depression for three years & my struggles with eating disorders. That doesn’t matter though, they don’t actually know me, they just know about me.
It all started in grade 7, I took a firm glance into the mirror & wanted to cry. I was straight up ugly, I was chubby & i wore glasses & to myself I looked like an orphaned monkey. That was the day I ignored eating, & I ignored it again, & again. In around grade 8, my parents started to notice, I ate but I purged about 8 times a day. I felt sick, I felt gross, I felt abandoned.
I grew up with a large family, & I felt that even though I got attention, I got the attention that I didn’t need. I don’t like attention, but everyone else seemed to be put first because I seemed okay.
Nobody knew that I woke up every morning wishing I was dead, hoping that today I could die  & just disappear.
High school was terrible. I hated it, I still hate it. I feel like everywhere I walk, everyone is judging me & staring at me. It’s a cruel world, but i’m tired of this suffocation I feel. I don’t want to kill myself, I just want to get away. It’s like i’m alive but i’m not living. First year of high school, I ended up scaring all my arms & only wore long sleeves, I was absent for around 2 months.
There came a point where i was hospitalized, I gave up on my dance & my music. I feel like a failure, I miss it but I’m not sure what to do anymore.
I continue to dance this year, & I love it but it makes me want to cry. Fist two and a half weeks of grade 10, I was high almost every day. I wanted to get away, an escape but it came to a point where I barely felt anything. Although, Grade 10 is okay, my grades are pretty good, but I feel like all these people want to murder me, they want to break me. & I’m not strong enough. There’s too much stress, too much judgement, too much cruelty, on top of the things I already have to deal with . I know I should be strong, but I just can’t seem to do it. I feel all numb, I want to be there for everyone but I can’t even be there for myself. I don’t even find that much things wrong with myself anymore, as it got better but it seems to start all over again. I haven’t been at school for about a week, & I feel fine. I hate myself, no one would understand as they think i’ve got a good life..good grades, good body, nice, good smile, and apparently i’m “pretty” but i think it’s bullshit. I hate who I am, whoever I am.
I have a feeling I’ll be ready leave any moment.
Guess what? There’s a plastic bag & a knife right beside my bed, any time & nobody knows it’s there. But that’s just between me & you.
5 comments
I know how you feel about wanting to be there for everyone but you can’t even be there for yourself. And having body image issues. Although, I’ve never had an eating disorder. This might not help, but have you ever tried looking in the mirror and just picking out one thing you like about yourself? It could be anything. Even something stupid like, you like your nose or hands or even the way you speak. Just anything to focus on that’s good rather than the things you don’t like?
And is being home schooled an option?
Hang in there, your still young, being a teen really is tuffer for some than others.
I felt the same way when I was growing up, every morning I just wanted to die.
I’m 51 now and have had some tuff parts in my life drugs and drinking stuff, uemployment after 17 years with the same company.
I want to live, yet I have come to that point where I can make a choice as to if I stay on this plain of existence. Just in the last 2 days have I had this shift in thinking that here are other existences.
I just think it’s too soon for you, live your life
I don’t want to continue living, i’ve given up it’s just too hard.
I see nothing good about myself..and unfortunately home schooling isn’t an option.
Believe me i’ve tried…
It’s like i was born to die
“I know I should be strong”
No. That’s not true at all. You are wasting your strength battling, as you say, “too much stress, too much judgement, too much cruelty”. Reserve your strength for your dance, your music, your studies. Turn your back on ‘people’ (it helps to regard them not as people but as obstacles to be sidestepped and ignored) and make your future your friend and contemporary by aiming high for yourself alone. It will reward you. Your post suggest a deep and promising intelligence.
Look after your body – it is a lifelong friend if you treat it right; it can give you the most supreme pleasure as well as the most terrible pain.
I hope you don’t give up…
Life is difficult–some more than others, and most of yours more difficult than mine.
But as someone with a comparatively-good life, I can tell you:
It IS possible…and it IS worth it…