I don’t know who I am, I never really knew who I was. But i know I’m tired of myself & I’m only 15..maybe these years have just been too long for me. There are few who know about me, my depression for three years & my struggles with eating disorders. That doesn’t matter though, they don’t actually know me, they just know about me.
It all started in grade 7, I took a firm glance into the mirror & wanted to cry. I was straight up ugly, I was chubby & i wore glasses & to myself I looked like an orphaned monkey. That was the day I ignored eating, & I ignored it again, & again. In around grade 8, my parents started to notice, I ate but I purged about 8 times a day. I felt sick, I felt gross, I felt abandoned.
I grew up with a large family, & I felt that even though I got attention, I got the attention that I didn’t need. I don’t like attention, but everyone else seemed to be put first because I seemed okay.
Nobody knew that I woke up every morning wishing I was dead, hoping that today I could die Â & just disappear.
High school was terrible. I hated it, I still hate it. I feel like everywhere I walk, everyone is judging me & staring at me. It’s a cruel world, but i’m tired of this suffocation I feel. I don’t want to kill myself, I just want to get away. It’s like i’m alive but i’m not living. First year of high school, I ended up scaring all my arms & only wore long sleeves, I was absent for around 2 months.
There came a point where i was hospitalized, I gave up on my dance & my music. I feel like a failure, I miss it but I’m not sure what to do anymore.
I continue to dance this year, & I love it but it makes me want to cry. Fist two and a half weeks of grade 10, I was high almost every day. I wanted to get away, an escape but it came to a point where I barely felt anything. Although, Grade 10 is okay, my grades are pretty good, but I feel like all these people want to murder me, they want to break me. & I’m not strong enough. There’s too much stress, too much judgement, too much cruelty, on top of the things I already have to deal with . I know I should be strong, but I just can’t seem to do it. I feel all numb, I want to be there for everyone but I can’t even be there for myself. I don’t even find that much things wrong with myself anymore, as it got better but it seems to start all over again. I haven’t been at school for about a week, & I feel fine. I hate myself, no one would understand as they think i’ve got a good life..good grades, good body, nice, good smile, and apparently i’m “pretty” but i think it’s bullshit. I hate who I am, whoever I am.
I have a feeling I’ll be ready leave any moment.
Guess what? There’s a plastic bag & a knife right beside my bed, any time & nobody knows it’s there. But that’s just between me & you.