December 3rd – the last His day .. Story how He left ME and Life.

December 3rd. 2009. Morning.

I am going to lessons and for the first time in my life im not saying goodbye for Him. Don’t know why.

Sitting on exam. One moment i felt shaking as hell, some coldness went through my body.. Somewhy i couldn’t even speak, just gave paper to lector and went out.

Sat on my bike.. Couldn’t drive. Every single day i go to that hill and i couldn’t move my legs!!! The feeling was like somebody was keeping them. I was crying all the way. Terrible and scary feeling .. It took me 2 times longer to go home.

All the way i was calling Him to tell, that i can’t go by bike, i can’t move my legs,  but the PHONE WAS TURNED OFF.. 100 times trying..

I reached our house finally. Saw candles from window, thought he left some romantic lunch.. Walked inside. Locked my doors.Nobody’s home.

Three roses and two letters. For me and for parents. Opened mine.. Goodbye letter.. I thought He just left and went somewhere, so i locked house and run to search Him, i thought maybe He’s not far.

Saw Him on a tree with rope.( When i went home with bike i walked close to Him and didn’t see!) Run to Him. Tried to carry to check neurology – nothing. Locked my doors with shaking hands.. Went inside, took a knife and run back. Cut rope.. He fall down.

Started CPR. Called to ambulance and asked to send Intensive Therapy team.

As long as i was making CPR i called to my brother during loudspeaker and asked to come here – was screaming He suicided, ambulance is on the way, i need some help here!

I was making CPR and was screaming to Him all the words i could say. I even hit His face and called fool.(sorry buddy, You worth that day !)

Heard ambulance around – they went to wrong street! I called to ambulance to tell the right adress. Heard they are fucked missed. Run away, caught a man walking and asked to run to ambulance to take them here.

Went back to Him. CPR.

Ambulance came.

I went away. Saw isoline. Doctor said “too late”.

Brother came. Police came. I asked to call to His mother. She came and didn’t understand. She thought Ambulance took Him to clinics. I said “He’s gone. Laying in a garden. Go to say goodbye”.

He was gone. I felt Him around.

Next day i was sitting in our house. His aunts and uncles came into.. Started to yell on me and call killer.. (Later that they told i made wrong CPR [even i work on ambulance] and blames me to this day).I WISH I KNEW THAT!! I barely could speak – he was my Love of my Life, soulmate, bestfriend, brother, man, Lover.. When i tried to speak strange thing happened:

on my right cheek appear a red red red sighn of hand, the same place and size as i hit his cheek during CPR. My friend was with me,she was shocked by that sighn. When they left, it was gone.

December 3rd. I was dirty, shocked, exhausted, humiliated, left, hurted and totally crushed. Only His Last Goodbye Love Letter kept me on knees that day.

I burn the candle to everyone who left this world by themselves. I pray with all my heart to all Families.

Especialy for You, my __________. I will always love You. Forever and ever.