I am resolved… maybe?

Hi everyone, this is my first post.

I am 24, female, in Indiana, USA, have been off-and-on suicidal for several years–romantically as a teen, and legitimately toward the end of college and after.

To be really honest–I don’t understand how suicide is not more common. I wonder if there’s some big cover-up.

In the past, I have held out for that next big life step–college, or starting my career–but I have started the “career,” and I have realized that apparently life is getting up every day and going to work, maybe until you die, maybe until you retire and then run out of money and die.  Especially in this economy, especially with the $40K debt I accrued to pay for my worthless degree (“follow your dreams!” they said, so I did), especially with my consistent failures, I don’t see myself getting a job that pays the bills that doesn’t also make me want to put a bullet in my brain. BELIEVE ME, I am looking. I look every day. And every day, it is clear that I have the wrong education for the work that is available.

Every morning I seriously consider hanging myself in the basement instead of going to work.

I live alone (but with cats), I have been hundreds of miles away from my friends for over a year now, and they’ve all sort of drifted away emotionally. My “best” friend has been “planning” to move here for a while, but it keeps getting put off… I think she just doesn’t want to move here, I am not a big enough draw, even though if the tables were turned, she would be. And yes–I look for work where she is living, too.

Developing a life really worth going to the miserable job in order to maintain seems to be off the table. I am having great difficulty finding and sustaining meaningful relationships these days. Friendships or romantic relationships. I am completely smitten with a man for whom I am entirely inappropriate (he’s about 20 yrs older, very level-headed, rational, neat, capable, responsible, sociable, apparently normal, nothing like me). I can’t close the deal because 1) the pairing is ridiculous and 2) I keep wanting to kill myself, so it hardly seems fair to invite him into my bullshit. Other than that… I share an office with a volunteer who is nice… And that would be it for me socially. I’ve tried making new friends, especially nearer my age. They are too simple for me, too uncomplex, too cheerful, too bent on impressing others, or they have all they need and don’t need my company.

I thought maybe I would volunteer outside of work to distract myself, feel good about myself, maybe meet people–my boss said “if you have time for that, we have a problem.” She owns my ass pretty much anytime she demands it between the hours of 5 am and 11pm, so no volunteering for me. BTW, my fantasy is to tell her, after she gives me some insanely huge and tedious task, “your management style gives me suicidal urges,” and just smile pleasantly and bang some crap into Excel before blowing my brains out all over the paper files, so there are bits stuck to it for years to come…

I want to die because 1. I am mentally ill, helplessly depressed despite being heavily medicated 2. I cannot imagine a way from where I stand now to a life I actually want 3. My life isn’t ALL that bad comparatively speaking and YET I cannot enjoy anything to any significant degree 4. The world is fucked, we’re facing another financial crisis soon, to compound the ongoing environmental crisis (the one where we all suffocate slowly due to global warming), not to mention the terrible violence inherent in human existence… FUCK, why DO people want to live in this world? And, btw, if a space wizard  or his magical progeny is part of your reason, more power to you, but I cannot relate.

I like waking up on Saturdays covered in cats, I like alcohol, The Daily Show, podcasts, and thaaaat’s all I’ve got right now. Do I REALLY have to do this?

Okay, so basically, if some awesome shit doesn’t happen to convince me that I am capable of making a life for myself that I can enjoy–GOOOD DAMMIT MY BOSS JUST CALLED ME DURING MY SUICIDAL MUSINGS–NOT answering, it is 9:30 at night you *****–I am going to peace out in January/February. My life is a sunk cost, it’s time to realize that and stop investing. I think the helium tank is the way to go, I tried drowning myself this summer and I pussed out. Hanging and firearms also possible. Just get through the holidays, see family and friends, and then get out of here.