Never will it end

Their comes a time in life when I take a look at what I have been through and realize that it’s ‘Never Going To End’ .  It all started when i was a Sophmore in  Highschool, I was on the Varsity football team and I was your starting wide reciever. I had alot of friends through out HS  and I was very well known. I might have had everything i  ever wanted growing up , but the one thing I didn’t have was Satisfactory. I was never satisfy with everything that I have done in my life. I feel like I can accomplish so much in life but I just tend to procrasinate on alot of things.  While I was in HS I inherit an eating disorder. This eating disorder lasted for about a year in HS  but I was able to over come it my senior year.  After I graduated HS I was able to land me a solid Job that I actually loved. I was there for  4 years before I got teminated. So let me tell you what actually happened within these  years.  I was dating this  girl that I fell Head over hills for and  I wanted nothing more but to be with her. Me and  her got engage after 2 years of dating and were planning on getting married on my Bday which was on September 10th. Her family was very happy when we told them the news, I felt good and  it made me feel real  happy seeing her family with nothing but smiles. But as I went to my family to tell them the News, they were not as happy as I thought they would be. They were  all angry and sad, it  caught me by surprise and left me going home with nothing but anger. Time went on and i became very overwhelmed about the whole thing and was getting very weak. I was losing sleep and was not motivated to do anything. It came to the point were I couldn’t even focus at work and my performance was going down, and its all becasue my family were telling me not to get married that she’s not the one  and that I am way to young to be getting married. I was 22 and i was happy with her, what more can i ask for.  See and the thing is I come from a very BIG & CLOSE family, we do everything together and their was no way I am getting married with out my family there. They  didn’t want to be there and i didn’t have their support. This was messing me up  big time, it messed me so bad that i ended up losing my Job, my car, my house, and i even lost all my money. As I thought it couldn’t get any worst, I evetually  ended up losing my Fiance and step son. I came from being so High in life and happy  to having nothing in life and depressed. I have hit rock bottom so damn hard that I was already thinking about killing myself. This pain that I was feeling hurt so bad that I cried myself to sleep every night for about a month. I ended up moving out of town to a small town called Ajo to live with my sister, this is when things got really tough for me. I became very abusive towards drugs, alcohol & sex  that I was doing it everyday just to numb the pain.  I knew that this wasn’t my lifestyle that I need to make a change. So I started attending church and working out to clear my mind, But that only lasted for a good 2 weeks and I was right back at it with the drugs and all. I became very weak & depressed that I started to write my  suicide letter   it went something like this.   ‘ Torn apart now I cannot have this combination, Torn apart now these are the choices I made   do i follow, or walk away?     Well most of my adult life i’ve been torn into two, If you loved me,  then I love you too. Its tight hard when you know that you are sick and everyone here seeing me as an emotional wreck. It seems the closer I get the farther I feel & my heart is  starting to beat slowly evrey min.. Its hard to be real and its hard to listen to the dumb shit, I take alot of pills  cause it numbs shit. I wish I had another path that i can follow, i wish that i could be a man and pass the bottle. My future is a  Box or and Urn.  I’m having dreams about death but i’m not that concern. i’m just here holding my breath  and everyday alive is just another closer to death. I’ve been alive longer that I expected to be  and I handle shit differently cause i’m grown now and the truth is i much rather be alone. I much rather not have to deal with the day and I hate when people ask me how i’m feeling today. I wish I was able to shine , I wish I didn’t want to offer my thougts with a  nine  , its like I losy my passion for life and that all my actions are trite, I dont feel like I used to about the world and i don’t feel like I used to when i was with my girl. I just want to die cause its to hard   and just lie calmly and refute god. I never meant to hurt anyone, its God’s work and waking up everyday is hard work. i know this may seem like the easy way out but its not , it hurts.  But this is the only way for me to get rid of this pain permanently. Remember to always keep  your head up and to look out for each other. I am sorry .  I truly love you all…  yours truly  Dc..     

As I got dont writing my goodbye letter I gently laid it down next to my bed.  I then went around the room and  lit a couple of candles.  As  I was done I then kneeled next to my bed and started praying,  Tears came running down my face after each word . It was now time… I went in to the medicine cabinet and took out some prescription drugs that I had, I then pulled out a bottle of liquor that i had in my room and started chugging it.  I took one hard look in the mirror and looking deep into my eyes   to see the pain and hurt nehind them.  this has to be done  so  I popped open the bottle of pills and took  them all and simply drown them with liquor. i walked over to the bed and laid down calmly with tears  running down my face. This was it, a week before xmas and I am going to be dead.  As the moon shined in my room  I said one my prayer and closed my eyes thinking to myself that i will not be waking up ever again.  You would think that I would be dead after downing a whole bottle of pills and liquor  right ? Wrong!!! I woke up the next morning sweating and  slowly breathing.  I didn’t  have the energy to get outta bed. I was thinking to myself,  if by any chance that I could still be in the process of dying. Alot was running through my head and I realize that I didn’t want to be awake when i die. So  I went to the restroom to throw it all up.  I did throw up alot and I also took a cold shower to help stay oriented and alert. Yeah  that didn’t really work out at all, I  was still disoriented &  diaphoretic. So what did i do? i jumped in My Subaru WRX STI  and drove as fast as I could back to Phoenix which was hour/30 mins away. I was going about 170 the whole way to the nearest hospital. I did make it there and they took me in right away and treated me. Moments later my mother and brother came to the hospital I was at. I never told them the main reason why i was there I just  told them that I just got food poisioning.  A month later I found myself back in Ajo in the same situation  but  only this time I had an automatic SKS rifle  in the inside of  my mouth. All I have to do is  pull the trigger back  but its easier said than done.  Alot of thoughts of my family was running through my head at this moment,  I just couldn’t bare to do it. I didn’t have the courage to pull the trigger. I broke down crying in the restroom and told myself that its time for me to get professional help.  I enede up breaking down to my family and told them everything and what I have been going through. They all surrounded with a prayer and as it went on   hugs and tear all came  my way.  Its been a years since this incident and i still have some moments where I get depressed and start thinking bad thoughts. I no longer like this time of year becasue of all the bad memories i have had in the past. I’m still trying to be strong day by day, and thats all it is .  You have to take it day by day and not put so much pressure on yourself. I’m still in the learning process of it all and hopefully one day  I can stand up tall and Be  Happy again.  maybe one day.. we’ll see