Saying it doesn’t sound as bad as it is.

Hello, my name is Jessica. I’m going to tell my story like how someone writes a book, I am used to it that way.

I was born with Development Delay. From that point on, it would be guaranteed that I would be nothing but a freak, different from everyone else. I am an older girl in a younger girl’s body. Things were looking okay, besides for the fact I went to a “special” preschool. I was guaranteed I wasn’t affected mentally. Things struck me like a brick when I received my first bully, my Kindergarten teacher. Even for a development delay child, I seemed to react to things better than everyone else. I cared about things that no one else did. When that teacher told me that she was “Very disapointed in me” because some girl grabbed my pencil every day and wrote my name for me, I was crushed. I went home and told my mother and the very next day we had a big old meeting and my mother told her, “Well, my baby tells me that you said you are very disappointed in her.” The teacher looked me in the eyes and told my mother, “Yes, I am VERY disappointed in her.” This struck me once again. PING went a bullet through my heart. “Stop saying that!” my mother cried. I don’t remember much else, and then the next day I tried to avoid her and she went up to me right away and said, “Oh, honey, I wasn’t disappointed in you! I was disappointed in Gabbie for writing your name for her!” What a liar. I believed her for a moment, but not before I got home, told mom what she said and reminded me what she said before. “Yes, I am VERY disappointed in her. Thru out elementary school, things had their ups and downs. I was constantly believed to “not be able to talk” because I did not talk during school while everyone else made the teachers go crazy because of their constant yells. I just wanted to be a good student but that influenced everything about me and made me have this phobia about getting into trouble. When I am about to get in trouble or something I do accidentally gets me in trouble, my hands will shake and my face will turn red and I won’t be able to recover until at least 30 minutes and I start to cry. We’ll get back to that later.

Middle school was terrible. There was a girl who made up rumors about me, more than that making rumors, I was isolated, people always threw my things in the trash and I was considered a freak by all, a short, weird, strange freak show. I would explain more, I had a huge paragraph of this before, but I lost it. I will continue what I was writing just now. 2 months before graduation, I found out that my father had Mylophibrosis, a kind of Leukemia. I didn’t know it was that bad… I was  not too upset, because I thought it would be okay… One day my mom was helping me curl my hair and then she said, “Daddy’s going to lose his hair soon.” I froze. “His disease does that?” Mom blankly said, “Cancer does that, hun.” I almost dropped the hair drier and I realized that I could lose my own father. When I finally graduated from that hell hole, I got to see Dad every day. Aunt Barb, dad’s best friend but not related sister, always took me. I was never really focused on him, when I should have been, and it kills me inside that I wasn’t spending most of my time there by his side. One day, he was hooked up to this big machine. Then, is when mom told me that the night before, his heart had stopped, but they had got him alive again. Earlier than usual, when I was in the lobby, mom went to me and said. “We have to leave. Now.” I didn’t argue, and me and my aunt barb went home. I was just hanging out, and then mom checked a message that had been delivered from when we were in the car, about 1 PM. Mom’s voice sounded weird. “Get us some tissues, Jessica.” “How many do you need?” I asked her, unaware. “The box.” I ran to my room, confused why she would need a whole box of tissues, and I came back, doing little summersaults and stuff. I set it down and giggled, smiling at mom. Mom told me, “Jessica…” Her eyes looked big and teary. “What’s wrong?” I asked her. “When we were coming home, Daddy passed away.” She sniffled and I could just feel my smile wash off of my face. I was a thirteen year old girl and I had known the love of my father, then thrown into a world, forced to live without it.

When high school started, I attended a small school called New Tech, a rather new one. There was only the sophomores and us starting out, so I was happy. A surprising amount of people I met were those from middle school, yet there were a variety of people. I was finally happy. Noemi was here too, but not Glenn. People did still make my life bad, people that didn’t want me to be happy. I met a boy named Elijah who was a big pervert. He always was trying to molest me, and she had a sidekick, Kiara. She would always, and I mean ALWAYS mess with me with that idiotic ghetto voice of her’s. People told me she was trying to be my friend but I would never listen but they did not know. NO ONE KNEW. No one knew what I had been through and what she was doing. It was like they were all deaf.  One day, I got horribly sick, and stayed home for 2 weeks. I had missed a very important presentaton. I got back and, in first period, they both yelled at me, screaming “FAILUUURE!” on the top of their lungs. I have no idea how the teacher did not hear it. Then, Elijah stood very close to me, at my computer, and was staring at me with those beady eyes and I rose my voice. “Get away from me.” He said, “I’m not over here for you! Dang!” No one that he knew was in the next seat. His eyes were perminately on me, not even talking to them too. I could feel his hand, grabbing at my leg, feeling it. I grabbed his hand and moved it away and yelled, “GET AWAY FROM ME OR ELSE!” He grinned. “What are you going to do about it?” I felt so many feelings raise up in my body. Anger. He didn’t even know how deathly sick I was, and what I have been through. Sadness of how much of a fool he is…then, all of a sudden, control left my body and I delivered a huge smack across his cheek. The class erupted in laughter and cheering. People gave me thumbs up, high fived me, but on cue, the teacher walked in, and pointed at me. All of their praise for getting revenge filled me, and it soothed my wounds. I giggled like a madwoman as I was lead out. I poured my heart out to the principal, such a nice woman, and I remember crying my eyes out in remembrance, saying how badly I was sick and the rage that filled me. Apparently Elijah’s story was a bad one- he got suspended. This is the turning point of my life.

Sophomore year had a major increase for me. I met a very special person to me, named Nick. He is the best friend a person who loves the same things as him (me) can have. We make such a great team, always working together on projects. I’m starting to feel myself have a crush on him. Who knows, he could be the perfect match for me. But then again, I wouldn’t trust my heart again. You think that all of this suicidal thoughts just come from real life? Think again. It’s time to switch to the cyberspace side of this story.

I always had friends online. Friends to play with, friends to talk to. I was playing a character from a game called Tales of Symphonia, Colette. I met a person who played the someone from the same game, but a made up charecter. He, and his charecter, we named Izzy (The charecter, Isaluz, and the person Isaiah.) He was in a relationship with a girl, but it was revealed that she dumped him because she thought he loved me. Which, soon enough, started to come true. Before that, I thought me and him would never happen, but soon enough, me and Izzy were together. I feel bad for the girl who dumped him, really, but I was so blindly in first love, the good feelings drowned out the bad. We were always there for eachother. When I had a bad day, I could always , well mostly, come home to tell him. This all changed one day. I discovered Izzy was bipolar, and most likely having anger issues too. Whenever he had a bad day, he took it out on EVERYONE around him. He became a totally different person. He took down everyone with him, and mostly me with my fragile heart. It crushed me over and over, until one day, I realized the bad overweighed the good he has done for me. To this day I miss the old good times, but those are long over. He did something that surprised me- he helped me down. He told me I diserved touch…real love…and so he let me go. I got over the breakup in 20 minutes, and I stopped feeling love for him in a month.

Now, I want to introduce you to Stephanie, Alex, and Euan. These three are some of my greatest friends. Stephanie is such a sweet, loving person. She will tell you that she loves you right when she meets you. She introduced me to one of my favorite books. Alex is (or so we thought) a homosexual boy with bipolar disorder as well, but actually has REASON for what he does. Euan is a very nice guy who’s close to Stephanie. Every day, I would go to Alex and he would be depressed because he has a pretty bad life, and every day I would help him. Some days I felt horrible, and felt like giving up but never did. One day, I realized, I had a crush on him. It was also that he realized he wasn’t homosexual, he was in fact transexual, and his mother confirmed this. He was bisexual, and so am I so we both don’t have anything to worry about. Well, until I approached him about it. “Think about it. I have troubles with relationship, and you do as well. It’d be perfect.” Until, he said, “Actually, someone else just told me she had a crush on me too, just a few minutes ago.” I dropped everything. It threw me into depression. “What!? Who?!” I was in mindless sadness and rage. “Are you sure you want to know?” He asked me. “Yes.” I should have never answered that. He added me to a chat with Stephanie, herself. She was the one who had a crush on him.

Jessica: steph?

Stephanie: O-Oh. I’m so sorry…

The conversation went like that. We were both so sorry, both saying things like ‘Oh, no, you can date him.’ When, we realized it wasn’t our choice, Alex had to choose. I told him I would be fine with whatever he chose. He had not chosen me. This set me into deeper sadness until Stephanie told me that he chose her because he felt more of a sibling bond between the two of us. I felt better, finally accepting the relationship. The two argued constantly until Stephanie flat out dumped him. She told me that it was because it put too much stress on her. Alex told me, as I quote, “I should have picked you.” I responded with, “There’s always the future.” We were both together. I felt so happy, it was the best time of my life. He seemed really happy too, so I was glad. 2 weeks later, he said that he didn’t feel the connection he did with Steph. He didnt want to hurt me but what he didn’t realize is that he did something to me worse than what Izzy did. He basically drove a knife through my soul. It has been 6 months and I can’t go on without sobbing my eyes out because of what he has done. When he hurts and yells at and upsets my friends, I start to hate him, which hurts even more. Blind rage, with mixtures of sadness burn me, and the only way out is sweet sweet death that I must bear avoiding every day. I glance over to the knife holder as I write this, wondering how much longer I can go without not being able to take it anymore.

Right now, I’m doing better. My heart is healing. Nick is helping me. Just thinking about these bad things just made me cry and cry… well, if I do die, at least I’ll have my story out. I honestly don’t think I’ll be able to survive, but I will try as much as I can. Wish me good luck.

Jessica