I thank you all for the time you took to reply to my post. It was very kind and thoughtful.
Courage to put my life in harms way was easy to find, as I knew why I came here and who I was working for. Even when the mortars came in, I wasn’t afraid. I hear gunfire and explosions, yet I have no fear. Not of an earthly type of death. The death I truly fear is of being alone, of giving up my dream and quitting on the people who I love and have worked my entire career for. This type of courage I’m afraid isn’t in me and I’ve spent the last four months trying to find it.
Even in God, I can’t live anymore. There just isn’t anything left. I try to find true faith, as described in Hebrews. You know, being sure of what you want, and certain of what you do not see. I know there is a God. I’ve felt His presence and seen His miracles. My wife and oldest son would not be alive today if it weren’t for a miracle. This I know.
I try only to think of letting God give me what my heart desires. I’m not sure where in the bible I read this, but I remember it from somewhere. I just try to let go and let God work.
I used to think people that spoke of God talking to them as weak and feeble minded, until it happened to me. I was told to simply wait in faith and patience. So I try. But my faith I’m afraid isn’t strong and my mind is constantly working against me. I pray and wait.
It is for this reason and this reason alone, that I’ve made no decision about what I’m going to do when I return to the states. But if my wife and children can’t accept the simple truth about what happened then I see no reason to go on.
My mother died when I was ten. My oldest sister and truly my best friend in this world, was killed by a drunk driver about 20 years ago divorced she left behind two small girls. My baby sister is very disturbed. My middle sister was abused for a number of years by her husband and my wife by her alcoholic father. I was abused myself, not for days weeks or months, but for years. I suffer from an illness which there is neither cure nor any drug to help. My children I feel look at me as something to be disgusted of yet refuse to accept the truth about DID.
I could go on and on about the things I’ve overcome throughout my life and know others that have had it worse and found ways to continue. But I find little solace or relief anymore from clichés and stories about others. It was stated that an understanding was needed as a reason to continue. There truly is little left I want to understand anymore. Honestly, right now I can’t think of anything.
My hobby for almost thirty years has been the understanding of the universe and quantum theory. I’ve read and watched everything I could on these subjects. I have many “heroes†in these fields and could talk volumes about them and their discoveries. As to cause and effect, it is the teaching of the Catholic Church that sin doesn’t affect just the sinner, but the world. I do understand that everything is connected and that there are discoveries made that prove this. Even now, there is hope of proving the existence of the Higgs Boson, coined the God Particle by Leon Lederman.
But I’m old and I’m tired of finding reasons and ways to go on. So I chose to let God work and pray that a way will be found. It is all I hang onto here as I try to make it through my days. We work 12 hrs a day, 7 days a week and I’ve been doing that now for 8 months. The only reason I stay now, is for the people I’ve come to know here. We wait to see what is going to happen after 1-Jan. If the fighting doesn’t break out and spill over onto us, then I’m leaving Iraq for good.
Again, thank you all and I hope you all have a good New Year.
7 comments
And you cajun, have a nice or better New Year to come. Thats a decent post. Im with you on quantum theory etc but it has failings ….
Try stay positive.
Cajun,
The Lord never abandoned you. I am here by his grace. I found this website just as you, while I was seeking for a way out of this World. The Lord didn’t let me go!, He refused and held me tight. It is not my time. I am here to come back to him.
You must come back to him, Cajun.
I know Life feels hopeless. I know you can’t see through this fog of sadness and confusion. It does seems that way, but the Lord is ALREADY working in you!. He is ALREADY building your strength and granting you wisdom. Each day that passes you will become stronger, and hopeful. It is a process, a process of his LOVE for you.
I know sorrow is in your heart, but that will change brother. I will pray for you. I will ask the Lord to shine that LIGHT stronger than ever for you.
Don’t let go just yet. There is hope.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VQOS0b5g8Jk
@adastra: what failings, do you mind to share your findings?..
@Cajun: contrary to what you think, I personally think that you (and many others) here are very strong people! if you want to talk about the real *wimp*, then it’s going to be me.
because my story is quite simple: as much as I sometimes still find some interesting things in this earthly-humans Life (ie: philosophy, science, spirituality, and the search for Truth also interest me very greatly! in fact, these are perhaps ONE of the main reason I still somewhat find a ‘reason’, or ‘hope’ worth it to stay alive…in the otherwise I’ve found a mundane, meaningless routine existence, carved by unfortunately a majority of foolish, shallow society) ,
yet,
unfortunately the feeling of being ‘Trapped/Stuck’ in this LIMITED, sad, human’s body & existence, and also FATE (it seems..), have surpassed all those good things in my earthly life..
and thus as a result, I’ve somewhat become a Misanthrope nowadays, ie: hating Humanity and also often disgusted at the majority of them.
and just basically find no other reason than wanting to get rid out of this physical, ‘cursed’ LIMITED human body of mine…. thus: the suicidal thoughts,..even though ironically perhaps I have it all much better than many people here, but that’s not the point anymore, I feel..
sometimes the reason a person is suicidal doesn’t always related or have to do with one’s difficult life circumstances…but could be as simple as he/she doesn’t or find little meaning in continuing this ‘mundane’ earthly-human’s existence anymore…especially in this so-called “SOCIETY” nowadays…which is constantly torturing that person, to keep living in this Society-shaped world, unfortunately..
In the world of brilliant genius George Carlin:
“‘The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”
I’m not sure what exactly Adastra was referring to, but it may have been that Quantum Theory works to predict the workings of the very small, and General Relativity works with the very large. The biggest failure in my opinion is that there isn’t a theory of “Everythingâ€. One that works in both fields. Since they both work to describe the same physical world, the predictions should be the same. Yet Quantum theory doesn’t work in astrophysics and General Relativity doesn’t work in particle physics and both will be needed to understand Black Holes since they are both very large, just the massive size and very small, the singularity. Most theories, like great truths, are very simple. Newton’s laws of motion, Maxwell’s unifying of electricity and electromagnetism, Einstein’s E=MC2, and even some of Hawkins’ theories are simple more or less but describe very complex interactions. It’s my opinion that String Theory or M-Theory as I think it is known today, will maybe one day yield a Grand Unified Theory and it will be a simple thing that can describe the whole physical world in which we live and exist.
But give yourself some credit as well. Whatever happened to bring you here is real and painful to you. I wish I had answers that I could give without feeling like a hypocrite myself, but I don’t. But I don’t think of you as a Wimp. I never look at anyone and see someone either better or worse than myself. I quit comparing myself to a “Standard Model†ages ago.
I think we all have a breaking point. It will be different for different people. What one soul thinks is normal, another may find unbearable. Just watch people’s manners while they eat. 🙂
Loved the reference to Carlin. He was one of my favorites. Take care Niki.
caucajun you changed your name!
I’m sorry I didn’t see your post yesterday… but without knowing much about you I just wanted to let you know that your wisdom and grace are a treasured feature on this website. I don’t know what you did, or what you’re being punished for or what you need forgiving for, all I can say is that it’s hard to believe anyone who speaks with such kind intentions deserves whatever trauma you’re going through. Stay safe.