I am starting to realize no matter what u do in life you will never be able to escape life without all the pain that comes with it. Life will be good there for a while and then I will just be knocked down again like I always do.It always happens. I try to hold on to the fact that things will get better and in a couple of months I will look back and realize life is worth living, but I have gone through this so many times I don’t see any hope. I try to keep holding on, but it is the hardest thing I think I have ever had to do.
I have so much guilt and I just don’t know if I can honestly overcome it anymore. My brother was nine years old when he died and I was four at the time. I don’t remember that much about him but I do remember he really was such a sweet kid, he just got treated very badly by my father. My father never really considered him a part of the family because he was from my mothers first marriage. He would beat my brother until he was black and blue. He used to hit him with whatever he could find. He would dress him in little girl clothes so everybody else could laugh at him. He also made us join in on the act as well. I remember one time he told my brother and I to throw toys at him. I hesitated, I didn’t want to. He threatened us that we would be next if we didn’t go along with it. I was only four years old but I remember my brother crying uncontrollable. He kept screaming but I didn’t stop because I didn’t want to get hurt. I look back at that moment all the time and wish I wasn’t so young so I could have done something about it. My poor little brother never asked to be treated like that. He was only nine years old, but I know how unwanted he felt by everybody around him and I think thats the part that kills me the most. I wish I would have had the chance to tell him how much I loved him and how much I wanted him there, but I never got the chance to . My brother died in a car accident in 1996. He died right next to me, and I still feel the hurt and the pain from this tragic event. I just wish there was something I could have done to change the outcome of events, I just want my brother to know he was loved. I will forever carry this guilt with me as long as I live and I just don’t know how much more I can handle. My whole life feels hopeless. I don’t even really know if there is a reason for me to stay on this earth any longer.
3 comments
it’s those kind of experiences that makes a person… better, cause of this you’re heart is heavy, bigger now than the average person,, use it… the world needs it.
I think you have several reasons to stay – for a start, you are your brother’s memory. Sp long as you are alive, he is alive too, inside you; and if you treat his memory well, as you are doing, maybe you can share your life with him, the life he never had.
Second, you didn’t mention your father after the crash. But what he did was horribly wrong. And, if I were you, I’d wait a few years, until old enough and independent enough to walk away, and then tell him what he did, how wrong it was, and just walk. Walk your brother’s memory away from him.
My father was the reason for the wreck but he is still in denial about it. He took the three of us out drinking with him and he decided to put all of our lives in danger, and that is the reason why my brother isn’t here anymore. His buddy was driving drunk with all of us in the car. My father was so drunk himself he didn’t care. I’m sorry I just have so much anger towards him if you can’t tell.