I’ve never been afraid of anything in my life, but I’m afraid of committing suicide… I’ve bunjee jumped, sky dived, scuba dived, been cage sharking etc. etc. but I always felt with those things that whatever the risk, the likelihood is nothing bad is going to happen… But with suicide I know that obviously something bad is going to happen to me…. That probably doesn’t make sense, but basically I can’t live my life because of the mental anguish I suffer and have suffered for over ten years, but the physcial act of killing myself scares teh living sh*t out of me….. I’ve got all the helium hood equipment and I’m in a hotel where I plan to do it…. I plan to leave a note for the cleaning staff to tell them what I’ve done so they don’t have to see my body and they can just call an ambulance or whatever will take me away…. I’m trying to get the courage to go through with it… but I’m scared…. It seems like a gun would be so much easier, just pull the trigger and it’s all over….
I’ve had counselling for 4 years and nothing has changed, my life has just deteriorated more…. I’ve been on anti depressants for the smae period, a number of different types. I’ve kept very fit over the eyars, eaten healthily but nothing has changed… Teh damage was done to my life as a child, I was bullied from as young as I can remember by my brother. Beaten, put down, humiliated, molested… My father ahd absolutely no interest in me and eventually moved out without even letting me know…. I don’t have happy memories from childhood, I was very unhappy…. As I grew older I realised that I wasn’t the total loser that my father and brother made me believe I was and I started to play football, something I really loved… but I just missed out on making it to the top level… I know I would have made it had I not had such a bad start in life…. And I will never get that back… It was the only thing that made me happy… Literally the ONLY thing that made me feel good about myself, despite getting a first class honours degree in university (summo cum laude in the US)… I’ve been pictured in newspapers and magazines for modelling stuff and been on TV on a well known show… But that didn’t make me happy… It was jsut football, I would be happy if I had played at the top level at u18 or u21 but I was 14 before I started to play, because of my father and brother and then I broke my leg at 17, which shattered my dreams… It feels so unfair… I could have been such a great person… Damn.
4 comments
Fear is the uncertainty of the future. During the present you wouldn’t be afraid as you know from your experiences from risk-taking events. I’m guessing you are uncertain of suicide. Perhaps your not sure what will happen after, or perhaps you fear that the attempt would fail leaving you, perhaps disabled in some way. Just remember that fear is the uncertainty of the future, at least that is my opinion, and knowing that once you’ve killed yourself you would no longer fear. However, I really do not recommend you doing that. It is unfortunate that you broke your leg. Maybe you could find a greater dream through this event though.. Maybe drawing or something where you don’t need legs. I don’t know who, or what kind of person you are…. but I wish you the best with your life, I hope you’ll get better, whether through suicide or not.
I only commented here because I also had all of my dreams shattered…. I truly wish you the best.
What we call death is simply a re emergence into the non physical. It’s where we started before coming into this existence. Just like RedG said, fear happens when we think about the future…so we attempt to get a sense of what it will be like, and you can not know
til you decide and take that action. Best to stay in the present moment.
You will transition into another state of consciousness, that’s all and if you’re scared before you go you’ll be scared when you leave your body. As they say, there is nothing to fear except fear itself….so whatever you decide, love yourself unconditionally. That’s one if not life’s greatest lesson. Take care.
woulda coulda shoulda … everyone here has had their visions of future derailed at some point – the key is to move forward with the hand you are dealt – I’m not sure i you are talking about soccer or american football but it doesn’t really matter.Time to ind a fall back position because life is all about change – What if you had everything totally perfect and you actually MADE it to the top level and got your leg broke on the first play of your first game and it ended your career?
I really do empathize with your situation but it is impossible to change the past – we can only use past experience to build our future and avoid making the same mistakes.
You sound like you are pretty successful, why can’t you try coaching a football team or get involved with mentoring kids who are having a tough go like you had? What could be a better win-win? I’m sure there are hundreds of kids who could use the guidance of a highly motivated and passionate person as yourself to teach them to be what you could not become?
As to your actual question – If you want to die, then you would view the “outcome of suicide as a “good” thing – the holy grail of solutions … the act that your mind tells you it is a ‘bad” thing suggests you still have much to live for.
I you can’t change your life – help someone else change theirs 🙂
all the best – keep us posted
guide dawg
I’m sorry. I had a horrible father as well. I know what it is like to be beaten down, to be called stupid and worhless so many times you start to believe it. I know how hard it is to try to live with these thoughts and feelings everyday even though people may look at you and think you are ok, maybe even happy. I’m afraid, too. Afraid of living so alone forever, afraid of being a perpetual loser. I don’t think you are like me; I think you are a winner. I understand what it’s like to want to stop existing but i think the fear is there to keep you safe. I don’t know your struggles but i know mine and i keep going because i feel there is some purpose for me. But i know fear and emptiness, too. I’m sory you’re feeling so low. Much love to you.