I hate to sound whiny about my life. There is good and there is bad, as is part of the deal with being alive. I am not like most people, that have reasons and feelings to be suicidal. Most of the time I love life.
My problem is that I have some weird form of anxiety attacks. Nothing seems to trigger them, like most people have. I have theorized that it is some chemical that doesn’t flow as steadily through my body as it should. When there is too much I have anxiety attacks where I am afraid and want to scream at the top of my lungs in the middle of class for no reason (or where ever I happen to be.)
When I am on my lows, it tends to be depression to an equal extreme. I want to hurt myself and die to get away from the pain. I end up having to hold myself down more or less. I put music in my ears and force myself to watch out the window until it passes. It could last minutes, or hours. I never know but I am afraid of what the consequences could be if it gets much worse.
I have had the condition about 5 years now. I have faint memories of the nights that I wake up falling, and here my head split against the board of my bed because of my dreams. Amazingly I go to sleep fairly quickly after the bash, and wake up with a major headache. I have nightmares almost every night…. and have accepted them as reality.
Part of me knows I need help. Part of me wants to stay strong myself. I have dealt with this for five years now, I can continue on. The problem is that I have no one anymore. My closest friends are ditching me and uninterested in me. Even when I am serious and talk about wanting to cut or something. Granted people always leave in my life, but I feel completely alone at times, worsening the effects of this curse. I dont know what to do but force myself not only to see the sunrise in the morning, but to enjoy it
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Growing up I used to believe that I was a weirdo because I constantly wanted to burst out into tears. It was almost like it was a crisi for me to brush my teeth or even pick up my room. As a 23 year old I even now want to have a melt down while simply doing the dishes. I came to the conclusion as a teenager that everyone felt like I did and was never happy. It wasn’t until I started college that I realized, it isn’t normal to have daily panic attacks and have melt downs. I do suffer from a chemical imbalance as you do and thanks to many diagnoses and medications prescribed to me to help fix this imbalance, I am a little better. I am sorry for ranting but the point of me saying all this is that you are in no shape way or form alone. I know that it often may feel like you are and that many are uninterested. Just know that there are others out there, like me who read what you had to say and feel every heartbreak and bit of sadness that you have. Counselors, I have come to find out, aren’t that scary and do wonders. Perhaps you can look into one. Remember that people do care and are thinking about you and want nothing more than for you to be happy.
I think that you need to talk to someone you can trust, like a therapist. Try talking to a teacher or guidance counselor at school. They may not be able to help you, but can probably get the ball rolling to getting you some help that you need. You shouldn’t have to live in the conditions you are currently in, but there is help available, you just need to get it. This simply could be some sort of chemical imbalance in your brain that is causing these effects, without seeing a qualified professional about them, you’ll never know. I would suggest getting some help as soon as possible. I’m an advocate of suicide for some people, just remember, its a permanent solution to whatever problem you are having. Why not explore other options before considering it.
I’m no Doctor but it sounds like Paranoid Schizophrenia.. your doctor should be able to give you the proper meds to treat it once you have been evaluated.
You might also be bipolar showing signs of both mania and depression. You should talk to a doctor and see if he can get you on some meds that should help alot.
Hello Arashihi,
Nice to meet you….welcome….am not currently suicidal myself….but deal with similiar issues….actually it can get worse….i was severly agoraphobic after the panic attacks started…couldn’t even get the mail out of the mail box without thinking I was going to die….which really didn’t make sense….cuz I thought I wanted to die. I have attempted 7 times myself with varying degrees of success. The last at the age of 40…so yeah it can get worse….but it doesn’t have to….you are dealing with a General Anxiety Disorder…not a disease…a disorder…and there is a world of difference between them….followed by the subsequent depressive episode. But the depression seems to be the problem usually….and as such is treated with SSRI’s….which do not work on a GAD people…..if you need help try a mild tranquilizer…such as Ativan or Clonazepam….I would recommend 1 mg. twice a day….this will help with the anxiety so that you can begin to deal with the depression and it’s causes. But the anxiety must be controlled first….I swear. It also would not surprise me to find that you also suffer from PTSD…something I refer to as the “Human Condition”. Most of us don’t get through life without experiencing trauma….some of us get more than our fair share….or have no constructive way of dealing with our fears and feelings….they tend to overwhelm us…hence the need to shut down for most whether it is eating disorders, BDD, OCD, ODD, ADD or a host of other personality disorders, drugs or alcohol, sex, gambling….everyone has addiction issues….just some are more acceptable and some work better….but in the end….we are all suffering from “The Human Condition.”
Unlike the previous comments…I for one understand that you are not in imminent danger of attempting suicide….just would like to have that choice available perhaps…but for your own reasons….suicide is not an option. I get that. I also get that you have no mania….hence bi-polar is out….and you haven’t said you hear voices telling you to do anything….so sincerely doubt you are schizophrenic…and definitely anxious but no paranoia is obvious. You are emotionally ill….not mentally ill…have I ever been wrong?….not often.
Also I would guess you are currently experiencing a “spiritual crisis”….I would also suggest that what you are actually doing is not dreaming….but astral travelling to other dimensions….and some of the lower ones can be quite frightening…for a good reason…that is not the way you are meant to go….try asking to visit one dimension higher before you go to sleep the next time….let me know what happens. A psychologist would get a blast out of you….a psychiatrist will destroy the likes of you. I could make a whole lot of other half assed guesses and probably get most of them right…lol….but I will leave you with just one more….gotta run out to pick up my daughter from work and take her home…..but I would bet money….i haven’t got any btw…lol….that you are an empath, a sensitive, an extremely emotional soul…..with a very high functioning intellect….not always your best friend…lol…and that you have also experienced things that can not be explained in this reality…perhaps just a sensitive….maybe a wee bit psychic? Let me know…Would like to know more about you.
Namaste
Amakua
My panic attacks started in 2004, it’s been 8 years. Sounds like they came on the same as mine. I would feel something coming on and then…wham! It’s an independent event separate from the normal stream of consciousness. After the event I would be perceiving everything around me differently, all my 5 senses…as a result I’ve become more and more sensitive as I’ve had tons. I don’t have them the same way any more. The closest thing I know of that it could be described as is a seizure.