Alone and Unstable

Is this how it feels to have a nervous break down? I can’t be having one right? I mean, can a person who is having a nervous breakdown just sit down and write? I don’t think that’s possible. Maybe… I don’t know. I got more questions than answers. It’s been like that for the past week. I don’t think I can handle going through the “withdrawals” again. No, I don’t do drugs and I don’t judge those who do. See, I have panic attacks and the really bad ones, I call “withdrawals”. They sure as hell feel like it. I go a while without sleeping, and when I do almost pass out, I can hear the voices and they wake me up. I end up paranoid, soar and tired. It’s one thing to stay up all night it’s another to have something let you begin to fall into a deep sleep and then shake you.

Sometimes they don’t shake you, they just whisper cynically your name. I wish I could manifest those voices out of my head and beat them bloody underneath my fist. That’s another thing. The rage. The rage has a voice to. It taunts and tortures me from the inside out. After a night of tossing and crying I just sit up on the bed at 5 AM and watch the sun come up just outside the window. Hoping it might just share it’s warmth. I get so cold. People say they burn with rage but I’m so cold. The anger spreads like winter frost through my veins. It’s like when I watched that first winter snow of the season ice over my mom’s roses. They were so cold. The beauty and life would soon fade. They’re scent was gone and the thorns were sharper than ever. The rage is killing me from the inside. I’m not worry I’ll hurt someone else, it’s more than content killing me from the inside.

For the entire day I’m pacing, back and forth, walking for hours at a time. Walk, walk, can’t stay still, the idea of letting time stop is unbearable. Still, the seconds go by so slow. They like to torment me to. I keep scratching my face, just beneath my jaw, it feels really hot, I think I’m getting a rash or something. I’m crazy aren’t I? I can’t stop crying, I know I need help and I want to get better. The screen is so blurry and the salty water running down my face burns on certain spots.

I don’t eat the entire day. I’ve lost my apatite all together. Maybe a sandwich here and there and soda, the sugar helps with the headaches that come by the time night falls. Along with them, comes the aching muscles, the cramps and stomach aches, finally, at around midnight I’m exhausted, physically and emotionally I just end up passing out.

I don’t know when it is, that the darkness falls over me and it covers me keeping all the nightmare’s and dreams away. That’s the only thing that helps with the anxiety, after all this the last thing I need is those voices reaching me in that place. A person should have that, no? I understand now, what Joe meant in the book Johnny Got His Gun. He wanted a safe heaven, where the memories and delusions couldn’t reach him. A break from reality and misconceptions. A few hours of just nothing.

I wish it were like that. I wish I could have a dreamless slumber at least until I can get a hold of the anxiety. I’m trying. I’m applying at different places, I’m trying so hard to stay positive on the good days but it’s so hard and I’m so scared. I’m so scared that I’m going to fail. I’m so scared that the really bad panic attacks will overpower me, break me down and leave me for dead…

There is nothing I can do can I? Other than take it day by day… I’m going to bed now, hopefully I’ll just fall in a deep slumber, where I’m just dead to the world and the voices, just for a few hours.

You know, I want to live, I want to have kids, a little house and yard with red roses planted on the yard, but what if I don’t or can’t reach that? Day by day, take it day by day… I’m just so unstable. Thanks for taking the time in reading this anyways. As crazy as it sounds.

K-