Looking through others’ stories, I know my situation and emotions are not unique. I’m also acutely aware that I could be a lot worse off than I am. Sometimes I see my depression as self-pity. Maybe it is. None of it changes that when I lost my job this week — the only good thing that was mine alone — it made me want to die all over again.
I doubt I will be able to get another job at all like the one I just lost. My work history is sketchy, and personal connections and education inadequate.  I’m 25 years old and I have never been able to support myself continuously. I am so ashamed to admit that; it’s not who I am. It’s not for lack of trying. I just wasn’t strong enough to handle what it would take. Life threw too many hurdles, and I fell.
My family never helped me get on my feet. They are all toxic, except for my siblings. My family is the reason I have nightmares, depression, and panic attacks that include bouts of the shakes; even after medication, therapy, and taking up meditation.
I left home right after high school and lived with my boyfriend while putting myself through school. Without him I wouldn’t have made it this far, but there are problems there too. He’s part of the reason my job history is sketchy; sometimes he didn’t want me to work and go to school, and I was young and dumb enough to fall for his logic.
I’m so tired of being dependent on others, forced to submit to their will or end up on the street. I’m tired of the duplicity and selfishness of people. When I needed help the most, I was abandoned and horrifically treated.  The parental figures who were supposed to protect me, love me, and support me only ever wanted to use me for money, free labor, emotional support, or vengeance against one another. When it comes to survival, very few people are noble; most are viciously selfish.
It has been said that things get better. The next day looks better. I honestly wish my first attempt had succeeded. It would have been better for everyone involved. After a dozen years of new days, I can honestly say that for me, it has not got much better. In some ways it’s worse, as the weight of expectation grows with the passing of years.
There is nothing in my life that gives me satisfaction, and no prospects for the future. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.
8 comments
All I can say for the moment is that I feel for you. I’m sorry that I can’t say something uplifting or helpful. I’m absolutely a lousy first replier, so you may disregard whatever stupid things I say. But after I read your story, I felt I had to say something to occupy the space and let you know that I empathize with you.
I just started on here too, and I also feel for you. I don’t care if I sound like a crazy person, but I think you probably need more support than you’ve gotten in the past and you need to hear someone tell you (for nothing in return) that you’re loved. I don’t know you at all, I don’t know your life or your situation in actual detail, but from what I’ve read and what I do know I can relate to what you’re feeling inside and for that, I love you. It might not be worth anything at all, it might be something you needed to hear. Either way, welcome.
Hey Artemis i am sorry that you feel so lost, but i can help you on your way. Family might not be there but thats what Independance is and in the modern world its very important. Do you mind me asking what job you did as a job is important in a stable life?
I was thinking maybe you could do a course in college. Teaching- Childcare is usually a good one. Also your in you 25s so this is the right time to get yourself stable. Also know that after 30 health declines so learning is difficult. I’m assuming a bit too far.
I know its hard to want to do something but the thing is life goes on and time doesn’t wait for anyone. Its your choice to decide what you want to do and what you need to do.
Thanks everyone for your comments and support. Sometimes you just can’t hold it in any more, and being able to talk about my dark thoughts without feeling like I’m burdening people helps. People here can choose to read or not.
Shadows:
my job was an extremely specialized field that I only got into because I knew someone. Unfortunately, due to the economy and the facts that I’m young and there are many more experienced people in my field who are looking, I can’t break back in. Additionally, I tried going back to school; I have an A.A. in accounting, with honors, but I have no job experience in that field and everyone wants at least a B.A. I can’t afford to go back to school again right now, or I would. And, no, I can’t get financial aid (thanks to my parents, long story) and I don’t have the credit to take on a loan myself. I am trying to study on my own and get sme computer certifications because part of my job was IT related and I’m pretty good with computers. But that is going to take time, and sometimes stress & my depression get the better of me and it’s hard to study on my own.
Every solution is just so far away. Every time I’ve worked my ass off to get closer to independence has ended like a bad date.
I’m just one of the lucky few to fall through the cracks, so to speak. When I have told others my life story, they usually end up speachless, because there is no leg up for me. No loophole, no hidden helpline. Life isn’t meant to be fair. My only answer is to work my ass off and go back to school. I was saving up, and I would have enrolled next year if I hadn’t lost my job. Now I can’t even do that. Sorry, I am being self-pitying again. I am just desperate.
Hey artemis no one said life was easy. If you want to get through it you have to fight.
Take courses that can do, and force yourself through the IT ones. I’m not sure how long that takes- but meanwhile you could open another bank account and start saving money there. Don’t touch them and if i were you wouldn’t tell anyone about it. That money is either for emergencies or more importantly your studies. Sometimes its time that leads you to success so be patient and you will get through it.
And as for burdening people only the ones that find it a burden are the people that live in naivety. Others either understand or don’t.
As for self-pitying it would be self pitying if you never did anything in your life, but i can tell that you are struggling and are doing your best. As for desperate are there no benefits you can get in your country?
Take Care
Shadows
Hey artemis….someone out there wants to listen and help. I know you say your parents aren’t the ones but you did say your siblings were of a bit of help. In my situation, I could turn to a few of my siblings and sibling-in-laws…lol, but I don’t. It’s tough losing a job, losing anything and so many people go through it. You are not alone here and can say whatever it is that is inside of you to help you feel a bit at ease. Rest easy tonight because you already know what tomorrow holds for you. Wish you the best.
Thanks to both Shadows and mewtele for listening.
My siblings are all kids, or they would help. They have it rough too, and I would never ask any of them for anything.
I’ve looked into ‘benefits’, but they are very minimal (wouldn’t really make a dent) and having people sift through my life again and judge me would be traumatic, and still wouldn’t change my situation. I keep looking, but nothing has surfaced yet.
I know that I’ve got to force myself through it; I’ve got to fight. My entire life has been a fight. I fought off my abuser when nobody wanted to believe me. I fought off a close family member who tried to kill me. I fought my way to honors programs. I fought through humiliation, being slandered, being manipulated, being used. I fought for my siblings safety. And I endured.
I am tired of fighting. I want a life that isn’t my own personal war. I don’t think that my life is worth fighting for. I don’t want my memories, my nightmares. It’s just not worth fighting for anymore.
I’m probably depressing enough to bring down the hindenburg. It’s just that it’s easy to encourage someone to fight, and hard to do the actual fighting. A person has to have something they believe in to fight for. I don’t anymore.
Artemis you may be tired of fighting and im sure you want things to stop but you will never feel that relief when your dead. Also if you believe in any sort of after life who knows things may be worse.
Even a minimal benifet is better then no benifet at all. It will all add up in the end if you save it. When you finish your course things will get better.
Hang in there
Shadows