CONFUSED

im so confused about my life right now. i honestly dont know what to do anymore. i came so close to ending my life. but i didnt do it. im not scared or afraid. but i welcome death like you would a good friend. no one understands me or how i feel even though they say that they do. they are just lies. they dont understand what i say or why i do things the way i do. they all try to help me but i dont want their help. i feel unworthy, unloved, uncared for, and misunderstood. i feel like i let everybody down. i feel like a big dissapointment to everyone. when they hear about my thoughts and actions they cry. this doesnt really help. it only makes things worse. this too they dont understand. i know all they want is the best for me but i dont deserve their help. nor their sympathy. my life is screwed up. im confused and dont know what to do about it. i feel as though i should suffer and be punished. i feel as though ive wronged everybody in some way. i was talking to a friend of mine and they asked me if i was scared. i replied with a dull simple no. i came extremely close to ending my life, so close as to writing the note and preparing to end it all. i feel myself with drawling into myself. im closing everyone out. i just want to be alone.