I often don’t understand why I am depressed, nothing bad has really happened to me. I lived normal childhood, parents got divorced while I was young, but that is not really special at this day and age. Somewhere in 14’s I just started to feel hatred towards myself, I started alienate my friends, stopped drawing which was important to me. I just spent pretty much all my time in front of gaming consoles to escape my life. I wasted so many years doing nothing.
Eventually at 18 I tried to kill myself at the first time, didn’t work out. I am nearly 23 now. My life just doesn’t have any point, I wish I could give my life to someone who actually has will to live. It just feels so wrong hearing someone happy and so full of life die to some accident or disease, while people like me stay alive when we wish it to end everyday.
It feels like I am standing middle of a crossroad one way towards death, other towards life and I can’t bring myself to walk either direction. I am just standing in the middle..
If I can’t end my life, then I keep living pointless life, because I can’t make anything worthwhile out of it. It’s just shameful for me live on other people’s money, it will be hard to keep any job with the lack of skills and having no motivation or interest towards anything.. It dosen’t really help that I have no contacts other than my mother, and I am honestly scared of interacting with people. This is really first time I have ever written on Internet even if I have been using it longer than 12 years. I feel anxious even posting this here when there are others here who have it so much worse, but maybe there is someone out there who can relate to this.
PS. Sorry for the errors in language, I am still learning English.
6 comments
When it comes to depression there is no such thing as someone having it ‘worse’ than you. I am also standing in the middle, though I am still pretty young. I wake up and wish that I hadn’t, but even so, I make no effort to die. I have before, but it didn’t work, and I haven’t tried again because it didn’t.
Oh, and welcome to the Suicide Project 🙂
Hello serris, I have been there, i myself am lost also. Everyday i say to my self i just want to be happy. I just dont how to be.
If you figure it out, please let me know.
Hello, I just made my account and when I read this I instanly related to it, although I’m only 16 I still know what you feeling. Somedays I feel like I’m happy and most other days all these thoughts of how to kill myself run threw my head. Some nights I cry myself to sleep. There’s only one other person in my life that really knows what’s going on in my life and its one of my cousins.
Thank you for the replies, it was comforting to find that I am not alone in this situation.
I am unsure about my future, but i guess I should just try to live from day to day and see where it gets me.
You can’t just sit back and see where it gets you – you have to take yourself there. You need to get up and make something of your life; because living requires effort, and you need to put in that effort.
@critical Yes.. You are right, I feel it’s a personal problem of mine. Or it may just be the long depression, but it’s so damn hard to put effort into living when you feel so alone..