I’m starting to really think that it would just be so much better if I was gone. I don’t have anyone, really. I mean, I guess I might, but that’s not the point of anything. I don’t care that I have no friends. That has nothing to do with why I want to end my life. I don’t know what it is. I can’t seem to figure out what has caused all of this, it started a few years ago and I thought it had gone away. I did and I was happy. Actually god damn happy, or so I thought. But, now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure it was just an act that I was point on for everyone, especially myself. I don’t really understand this feeling, the one where you just want to be away from everyone and no matter what anyone does, you can’t get out ofÂ this hole that you’ve dug yourself into until you decide that you’ve had enough and pullyourself back up to solid ground and keep moving on, not looking back until you dig yourself another hole and you think back to the last time, wondering why you felt like that last time, how to get out of it and why you were in it in the first place. I think I’ve been in this hole for some time now. I’m thinking about going and taking a shower, getting some warm clothes and shoes on and just walking away. I mean, I just want to go. I don’t care where I end up, though I’m pretty sure I know my destination. I’m going to go, walk to that bridge and stand there. I don’t know if I’ll jump. I don’t think I will. I’m still unsure of the whole situation of dying simply because when I think about it, my mind goes over everything that I still want to do in my life and my stomach clenches up slightly at the thought of it. I don’t feel calm when I think about it. I feel scared, downright scared of it. Well, I don’t know. My feelings are not too clear to me right now. But I do know that I want to leave. That’s becoming more and more appealing as the minutes go by. Really, I think it would be fun to just go. I know my mom might worry about me and then my family would all be worrying and wondering where I am. That kind of puts me off the whole idea, but not entirely. I’d come back, eventually. I just want to leave right now. It sounds so wonderful. But, then again, I want to leave the world completely. I don’t know what to do. Can’t think, really.
I just know that IÂ have this terrible painÂ and I want it to be gone.