I should’ve just do it back then.

Everything was well during high school. I was around people I know and Those who care to acknowledge me. I was around teachers who care, and those who understand me. 2010 came alone, and it was graduation. I knew it then, that something strange is going to find its way into my life afterward, and drastically change who I am at the time. It did.

I was not suicidal during those high school years. Was the happy girl who’s never have to fake a smile to get through the day. Was the girl who everyone aroudn percieve as the good girl who’s always determined on her careeer goals. So how did suicide contemplation ever become a factor in my life? Listen….

Graduation ended, and summer 2010 began. Bored at home becuase parents are always strict about leaving the house. So I went online and to chat. Met this one guy who’s suicidal. Attempted to help him, and offered to be a friend to him (I’m not going to explain further about him, for I’m sure that someone who know me probably know about this website as well). He told me about his problems, and I tried every possible way to help him only to realize that somehow, his own depressing thoughts have found its way into mine. I started to feel down about everything — family, school, life in general.

July 4, 2010 came alone, and I went to a friend’s house for a graduation party. Had a little meal, and then her brothers pulled out some drinks. With the current situation I was in, for the first time ever in my life, decided to drown myself in alcohol. Cups after cups after cups. Waited until I was calmed and them came home.

Ever since then, my depression became worse. I locked myself in bed for days, no food/drinks. It was still summer. The person who I met online decided to block me. (Long story, but I rather not detail it becuase it will be too obvious for someone in here. I rather keep myself anonymous). I can still remember the morning I woke up, and planned to just end my life. Everything was planned, and I was 100% determined that dying was the only way out. I wrote a suicidal note, and planned to do the attempt at a nearby park. I’m not going to explain the method becuase I will be too obvious. But the method is 100% successful. A lot of people from my culture know about this method, and several have died from it.  Only failure was…. I chose not to do it on that day. I planned it for the weeked since my parents will be at work, and just my siblings and me at home. I got out of bed that day, and went staright to the computer to check on the guy I met online. He was still offline, probably still blocked me.

Days flied by, and then this sudden sanity found its way into my life. I somehow told myself….no, there are way too much great things in the future. Don’t die now.

Somehow I was able to distant suicde from my life for a while, even after college started. But then to this day, I realize that I’m so sensitive to everything. I’m easily tear down when I notice the failure in my exams. I just can’t handle stress anymore. Have a huge bipolar.

I continued to live days by days. To this day, my own happy thoughts are only bound to depression.  I should’ve just do it back then. I shouldn’t have waited and allow sanity to find its way into my life. Then perhaps to this day, I wouldn’t have the suffer like this. I wouldn’t have to worry about throwing lies at the truth, and forced myself to continue breathing on this earth.

Future reference: if suicde is ever an option again, don’t wait. Do it then, and do it well. Don’t find ways to back out. You’re only encouraging yourself to live in a 10X worse situation.

Call me selfish, whatever. I’m so upset of everything currently. I just hope that one day, if I’m still alive, and have the nerve to return to this site to read this post again, I will be able to think of silly I am now. But then again, where am I bound to end up in the end? Idon’t even have an answer to this myself.