At this moment I don’t know what I feel. It’s like my chest is being squeezed. I’m finding it hard to breathe. I can’t find the words to express how I feel, neither do I know how to write about them. My mind is empty, it feels like i can’t think anymore and the only thing I feel anymore is sadness, anger, or hate towards myself.
I never cry in front of people and today I cried in school. In front of a bunch of judgamental hypcrites. I couldn’t hold it in anymore, my desire to die is uncontrollable , it emerges at anytime. I look at the world and it’s pointless, I’ve become bored of living or is it boredom. No I don’t know. I don’t know anything anore. I’m so confused. I barely make sense, my feelings make no sense. What is this feeling in my chest that makes me want to cry? But then I don’t feel anything else. I feel like I’m half dead. I cut myself almost everyday now because I just don’t understand what’s wrong. I keep thinking of killing myself, and the thought of dying makes me happy, I feel at ease. I’m to afraid to do it though. I don’t know why? I always get prepared to , but then I don’t go through with it. It bothers me how i know I’m worthless, that it’s pointless to keep living, but yet I don’t do it. Everyday gets worse. My anxiety Gets worse and theore I constantly worry about every little meaningless thing.
I’m gay. My girlfriend is the only person I have. Even though I know she is , I still push her away and cause fights and so many misunderstandings. And this makes me hate myself even more. I want to break up with her because I know I’m useless, pathetic, worthless, I am shit. I try but I always come running back. It feels lije I’m ruining everything between us. It scares me that she’ll stop caring, that she l move on. I know it’s innevetible though, im always going to ruin everything for myself. My depressing shit everyday is going to tire her of me one day, I know this. She’s a normal perAon, mentally that is. I know she enjoys living, and can be genuinely happy. And that makes me sick. I’m jealous of her being able to be happy . Im not jealous as in envy but more like “why cant i be thag way too?” and it hurts you know. That if I died shed live on without looking back. She loved me but she’s normal, unlike me. It bothers me to the extremely that I break up with her constantly. She understands why I’m like this things and she tries to hrlp me fight this , but I know age will get tired of me . The same thing everyday. I’m tired of this, of my life.
I don’t know how to write more. So I’m just gonna leave it at I want to die, all I’ve been thinking if us dying. Nothing seems worth it. The future for me is nonexistent, I hope I’ll be dead. Life is boring, there is nothing worth while. Even though I want to die now, I still want to live.