Depression is kicking my ass right now.
I feel fat and ugly (I’ve never felt really bad about my appearance before. It’s like when I look in the mirror, I see the fat 12-year-old I once was. Now I feel that way even more, even though I understand fashion and makeup and hair even more than I did in high school.)
And I feel worthless no matter what. My parents treated me like shit for 19 years, all they ever taught me is that all I’m good for is sex, chores, and looking pretty, and that nothing I ever do is good enough. Well, thanks a lot. Because now every day I feel like all I’m good for is sex, chores, and looking pretty, and I’ll never even be good at those things. And the things I guess I am good at (like art and music) don’t even mean anything in the real world.
So basically I’m a worthless piece of shit.
The physical symptoms of depression are kicking my ass, too. If I start to cry, automatically I get a headache. I get headaches even if I don’t cry.
I know for a fact that my digestive system is fucked up. Nausea, heartburn, indegestion, upset stomach, diarrhea. (I should be a pepto bismol spokeswoman, goddammit. Lol.) Luckily I haven’t thrown up at all, but I still get stomach pains if I go on an empty stomach, gas, and (I’m trying not to make this sound gross, but I figure someone out there has to relate to me) but trips to the bathroom are never  fun. I’ve had stomach pains in the past because I was depressed, but not all of these other symptoms, too.
I’m beginning to wonder if I have IBS. I will be the fourth generation in my family to have digestive problems. Joy.
Oh, and not to mention I think of ctb every single day. And I want to cut, even though I’ve rarely done it in the past.
I know I’m kind of ranting, but these are things I just gave to get off my chest.
4 comments
I hope it helps to get these things off your chest. It saddens me that you have these feelings. If you think it’s a good idea, go to the Dr. for your health issues and maybe they can help with that part of it. The chores, sex and looking pretty sounds deep. You have more understanding of what all that entails. Sending you positive thoughts…
You’re a person, not an object, never forget that. Your life, your thoughts, your ideas, your person has value. Depression is a *****, but it can be overcome. Life does get better, if you stick around long enough and are open to it.
Be well.
My mom has IBS, and she gets treated for that. But I think she could be depressed and she wont admit it, she could be like me and her IBS could be caused by anxiety/depression/stress. Which means i have to work on those issues. Basically im not up to it, and even with health insurance, i dont think i can pay for doctors visits and hospital bills. Bc id anybody knew how bad it was, they would send me to the hospital.
An ex of mine has IBS and I know first-hand ok, second-hand that it’s tough. I also know that it is a manageable condition. It’s embarrassing, I get that, especially if you’re young and pretty, but it isn’t something that needs to define you as a person.